Resolution

First two weeks = epic fail

2011-08-18T20:31:00.002-06:00

Here's a run down of my proposed goals:

1. Eliminating junk out of the storage unit
I have the box of junk I want to go through with me at Eric's house, but I'm not sure why I didn't go through it. Maybe I need to clean my current space and stuff so I have somewhere to sort through the box. ??? Just waiting for the room available to put my new desk together to have a dumping ground.

2. I am going to commit to going to the gym at least three times a week for 1 hour, minimize my alcohol/naughty food consumption, and lose 10 pounds.
While on vacation, I ate ice cream every day. However, I did take every chance I had at hiking to get in a good hour long hike. I did opt for salads and smaller portion sizes on a couple of occassions. Alcohol consumption has been minimal (except for a long layover in SLC - the gal didn't give me a strange look when I asked if I could just buy the wine by the bottle).

3. Saving money
I am proud to say that I developed a very detailed strategy for saving money and paying down debt. I will give myself a much stricter allowance when I get paid, keep better track of my expenses instead of spending freely.

4. ECCO / CCRN
Again, an epic fail of my time management. While I was in IL I had planned on doing at least 2 hours a day on ECCO, instead, I researched used cars - A LOT.

5. Creativity
I did purchase a sewing book and previewed it before giving it to a very good friend and I was very excited by what I found inside! My said very good friend in turn gave me a pattern for a Marilyn Monroe inspired apron. It's definitely too cute!

6. Dancing
Eric and I went dancing last week. I still have the rest of the month to look into opening the DVD's.

7. Landri
I did take the dogs to the river today and Landri was actually pretty well behaved.

8. Fixing the bicycle
What did I do on Wednesday.... I think I slept in and missed the class, however, there will be another one.

Overall, I'm quite disappointed by my lack of ambition, but it seems like whenever I try to do something there are 10 different obstacles in my way that I need to take care of first. Since I'm always in a time crunch, this usually prohibits me from doing what I planned on in the first place.... it's a no win situation... maybe though, if I take care of the obstacles once, I'll either get better at that or they'll slowly not be obstacles anymore - they will cease to exist. Till next time, I'm grateful for: friends willing to pick me up, patience in dealing with other people, fans, and celery.

August Schedule

2011-08-05T17:03:00.001-06:00

It seems a little full, but I truly work best when I have a lot of things on my plate.

uufta - It's been a long time.

2011-08-05T14:11:00.002-06:00

Let me start by typing - it's been a while. Looks like my last post was Oct. 2010, at least I haven't let an entire year pass without writing. I'm blaming FB - it is so much easier to type in a short status on what I'm thinking than write an entire blog post. However, dear FB, you've caused millions of nice, sincere people to become -in short- fake. On the other hand, according to Spark People a good step to succeeding in your goals (particularly weight loss) is to go public with them. Which many FB users have done, and it's been inspiring whether it be building up to a person's first 5K or accomplishing the goal of running 1500 miles in a year!

In the past several months, I've realized there are probably hundreds of things I want and need to do. I'm truly eager to get started on all of my projects and see them through. So the first step I'm taking to accomplish my goals are to make them public. I'm relying on whoever out there is listening to hold me accountable. It's also fine if you don't since this is really for me and it's so much easier to type than write this crap down in a paper journal. Without further ado, here are this year's nominees for "Best goals to get accomplished" for the remainder of 2011 and on:

1. I am going to go through a box every other week from my storage unit and ultimately eliminate half of the stuff I own.

2. I am going to commit to going to the gym at least three times a week for 1 hour, minimize my alcohol/naughty food consumption, and lose 10 pounds.

3. I am going to evaluate purchases more intensely so I can ultimately save more money and not hinder the progress of goal #1. (At least I bought those Steve Madden Haylow heels before this goal - but I did wait two months to buy them and the price was reduced by 60%!)

4. Upon completion of the Essentials of Critical Care Orientation modules on HealthStream in October, I will study to take the CCRN in February. In doing this, this will ultimately help me save more money and the additional money I'll make from this certification will be directly deposited from my paychecks into a savings account at St.Pat's Credit Union.

5. I also resolve to dedicate more time to being creative and I am going to finish that handmade necklace I've been working on for the last 2 years. I am going to finish one project a month whether it be a tote bag or a set of earrings.

6. I am going to learn at least one dance move a month from a DVD set we bought in May that are still wrapped in shrink-wrap.

7. I will try to be more patient with Bad-Dog Landri as long as Eric takes her to dog classes.

8. Finally, I resolve to fix-up an old bike I've had in my possession for the last year. I would like to take it to Free Cycle at least once a month for at least an hour until it is finally rideable.

Spark People also recommends you make steps to achieve your goals so I am also going to publish a month's schedule on how I'm going to accomplish said goals. I am also going to post my progress on here at least once a week. So, here's some progress I've already made: even though I'll have to start paying rent, I will now have a space - to call my own - for a desk and what-have you.

Hormonal Driven Anxiety

2010-10-16T23:30:00.002-06:00

I think I could handle all that goes along with being a woman if I didn't have the rollercoaster mood changes caused by hormone fluctuations. The sane part of me knows that I feel these ridiculous moods because of the hormones but then the crazy hormonal part thinks the sky is falling! I just need to breathe and know it will be over soon and fuck it all. Seriously.

The birds are singing

2010-09-07T19:39:00.003-06:00

Over the past several weeks, I have felt as if I've been glowing with a giant permagrin. I finally had a revelation that my friends, bless their hearts, had seen something I had not, and they gratefully told me about it and I brushed it off as if it had been nothing. That I was FINE. As I kept telling myself I was, but they could see I wasn't. And now, I feel the change. I feel it every day - even at work, and it is amazing how this simple thing can make me so happy on both the inside and outside.

I am keeping my mind open to the fact that it can change, but right now, I'm going to enjoy what I have. And I hope I don't forget how to find this place - even without someone else. I can easily see the beauty and joy in simple things. Now I see why they call it a 'bug', once you catch it, it is with you for a while and affects all aspects of your life. :D

My thoughts on this past work week - ugh.

2010-07-11T19:34:00.002-06:00

What am I doing with my life? I have had a couple shitty days at work, and they make me wonder what I should be doing that would truly be best for my career. I would never make it without the support and guidance of my amazing co-workers. They listen and offer true bits of wisdom. I don't understand how I can have amazing patients one day who tell me how much they appreciate me taking a couple minutes out of my day to chit chat with them, and then others scream out "I can't believe how you treat people!" I'm also appalled at my inability to be patient with all of my patients.

New Day

2010-03-13T23:51:00.002-07:00

Not sure what day this is in the count.

I am grateful for masseurs. (Enough said.)

I am grateful for chefs.

I am grateful for sharp knives and the new skills to make knives sharper.

I am grateful for simple but refreshing chats with friends.

I am grateful for local bakeries who have perfected the art of bread making.

I am grateful for dedicated coworkers and charge nurses.

March 8, 2010

2010-03-08T13:03:00.002-07:00

I am grateful for the smell of spring air.

I am grateful for plastic "money" I use at work.

I am grateful for sweet 80ish year old women and men who remind you of your grandparents and make you want to do everything right by them.

I am grateful for being able to recognize what stresses me so I can fix it.

I am grateful for TUMS.

I can't believe I forgot my blog's birthday!!

2010-03-03T22:07:00.001-07:00

Blog is four years old... geesh!!

Blogger Graphics

Did you know? You have the power to choose your attitude.

2010-03-03T21:12:00.002-07:00

For tonight, I was having a wide range of emotions for how I was going to create my post. A stressful event happened at work, and it left me and my sensitive feelers in a spastic frenzy. One second I'm irate, the other I'm feel as if I've been stomped on by an evil monster who is wearing 1 inch track spikes (aka hurt), not to mention the emotions of embarrassment, guilt, and vengeance were all lurking around. For this post, I thought I would be snide and say all of the evil things floating in my head about this other person that I'm not. However, that doesn't fit very well with the attitude I want to have. So, instead of being snide, I'm going to be proud of the good characteristics I do possess somewhere inside my trampled body.

I am grateful that I have empathy for people who's lives impact mine.

I am grateful for being able to remain calm in even the most stressful situations.

I am grateful that I am learning how to more easily admit my mistakes and listen when I am wrong.

I am grateful for everyday experiences that seem so insignificant at the time, but those repeating experiences over time morph into a beautiful synergistic energy we can use to help us through the major pitfalls.

I am always grateful for the listening ears of friends who truly care.

No Excuse This Time

2010-03-02T22:08:00.002-07:00

Day 6 3-2-10
I am grateful for sunny and bluebird 50 degree days in February.

I am grateful for lattice and the ambition to create something from relatively nothing.

I am grateful for seemingly unrealisticly large bags of frozen blueberries from Costco - they help make great tasting smoothies!

I am grateful for the courage of others to research information and present this information to many people through different medias to help solve a national problem.

I am grateful for good friends to have subtle but meaningful debates with over delicious beverages.

Starting a new project is difficult while on vacation

2010-02-24T09:37:00.002-07:00

Day 3 2-21-10
I am grateful for good music to ease driving.

I am grateful for caffeine.

I am grateful for blue skies.

Day 4 2-22-10
I am grateful for phone cameras and messaging so I can stay in touch better with my mom.

I am grateful for remote ski areas with feet of snow.

I am grateful for being able to give Santo the opportunity to leap through said feet of snow.

Day 5 2-23-10
I am grateful for mechanics that run a diagnostic check free of charge since we've already spent $1000+ there.

I am grateful for the courage to try a restaurant even though it wasn't what I initially wanted to eat; the experience ended up being much better than I could have gotten at the chain restaurant.

I am grateful for the patience to watch professional pool players playing at their best just feet away from me.

I am grateful to the professional pool players for reigniting my passion to play pool.

I am grateful for canned dog food that my emaciated pup eats so he doesn't get any skinnier.

Thorsten Hohmann

Shane Van Boening

Day 2

2010-02-20T11:21:00.002-07:00

I am grateful for big puppy paws.

I am grateful for puppy bath wipes.

I am grateful for good friends who help me learn how to knit.

I am grateful for blue skies and getting to see the sun shining on snowcapped mountains.

I am grateful for cozy yarn shops open in small towns (Camas Creek Yarn in Kalispell, MT).

New Series

2010-02-19T08:18:00.002-07:00

In the spirit of Lent, even though I am not Roman Catholic, I'm going to give up negativity and focus on the positive parts of my life and my interactions with others. So, in order for me to feel accountable to keep this up, I am putting my gratitude journal online, here, on my already created, but seldomly used blog.

I am grateful for forgiving friends that give guidance while remaining honest even though it may not be easy for them.

I am grateful for sweet puppy love (literally).

I am grateful for the soft and light feeling of my down comforter.

I am grateful for the delicious bakery genius of Wheat Montana's cream cheese cinnamon rolls.

I am grateful for DVR service so I can multitask with more efficiency.

The Fountain of Youth (or the perception thereof)

2009-10-11T22:51:00.002-06:00

In my short experience of being a real nurse, it seems that the "fountain of youth" lies in your attitude towards life and how you deal with stress. The personalities of the 90 year old's I have met amazes me at my "quarter of a century" mark. Granted, there are quirks with many different people, and this is not where I will discuss my views on death and those who die. I write to detail the personality quirks I have noticed.

My great grandma is 97. Even though I have known her all of my life, the first real memory I have of her is at my grandpa's wake. Many family members were at her house (she was 80 and was still living by herself and to this day still is), pictures of my jovial and loving grandpa were around her house. The one picture I remember most was when my grandpa was 10ish, and he had moderately long curly hair - he even had a pronounced curl that curled on his forehead. I think I remember it the most because my mom always told me stories of how when my grandpa was a young boy he never wanted to cut his hair - stories her grandma (my great grandma) had told her as a child.

My great grandma is the one of the most loving, most forgiving, and most laid back members of my family. She has experienced tremendous loss but still finds strength to persevere with a smile. It is this quality that I think helps you live until you're 100 with your wits about you. ALL of the 90-some year olds I have experienced working with in the hospital are incredibly "with it". (They also appear remarkably young for their age!).

Essentially, what do you do with your stress? Do you deal with it productively? or do you dwell? I'm sure all of the patients I've dealt with in their older age have experienced traumatic events, the difference is how they deal with those events and every day events.

(They also probably don't eat at McD's everday...)

I am naughty

2009-09-26T22:38:00.002-06:00

I've been quite the slacker. Not posting, not writing, not being creative. I've been distracted. Life is distracting at times. What do you do? Keep on keepin' on I guess. I started grad school this fall, and that is definitely very distracting, and I have a hard time not getting distracted when working on it. Maybe I get so distracted because I am trying too hard to multitask? I know I'll be on more, writing more because it seems that I write the most when I should be writing papers and such. Keep in touch.

His side of the story

2009-05-14T07:59:00.002-06:00

"I can't remember how long it had been."

"When I first saw her, the place was ours. Everyone else seemed to drift to the sidelines, muted. Her radiating smile, it was for only me. I embraced her small frame, intoxicated by her scent and feel. Oooh how I wanted more from her."

"She touched me softly, sweetly, sincerely. We were finally alone, it had been a long time since I've felt such affection. I couldn't resist. Then she said it."

"She said 'Now's not the time, please be patient, please wait for me'."

"How could she do such a thing? What a tramp."

"Did it really matter? I didn't know the full story. She's here. With me. Right now. That's what matters. She continued to show me innocent affection throughout the night. I've never felt such sweet, guiltless, touch."

"How I wanted more."

"And that's where we left it. I know she wanted to continue, I couldn't wait to see her again."

"In the days and weeks that followed, it was relieving to think about her less and less. With the change of seasons comes the winds of change for man. Regardless of my feelings for her, she wasn't ready for me. I had to move on."

"She yearns for me now. Now that she can't have me. Typical stupid girl."

"Maybe down the road, we'll meet again. She's too quiet, she won't let her feelings be known until it's too late again. It wouldn't really change anything now."

"Now, I'm gone."

Life is a garden, dig it!!

2009-05-13T21:36:00.004-06:00

Since I'll be staying in the big house over the summer, I am going to have a real garden. No more gardens in pots, a real, growing, in-the-ground garden!!

Day 1

Day 2

Stay tuned!

Santo

2009-05-13T21:09:00.005-06:00

Golden Retriever Puppy (if you couldn't tell)

Living in a Recession

2009-02-12T15:57:00.003-07:00

Growing up poor, I grew very ashamed of our economic status, and vowed to never to live that way of life again. All I wanted was to be able to have as many nice clothes as the popular kids and to not have to use my free lunch tickets (which I thought the other kids knew I used because I was poor).

The Goodwill was my least favorite place to go. I remember being so ashamed because that is where we had to buy our clothes, while everyone else who went to town to buy clothes always went to the mall (a rare treat for my sisters and I). We were the poster children for the giving trees out around Christmas time. One year, I got really lucky and got so many presents. (This year, I hope to return the favor). We never got a lot of food from the food bank, but I remember going to the store with my mom's monopoly money (aka Food stamps) to get groceries. If anyone that I knew was behind me in line, I would always let them go ahead of me so they wouldn't know that I was using Food Stamps. I would also wish that the checker would go faster so this traumatic ordeal would be over quicker.

It is funny how perceptions change when poverty is more widespread. That's why I like the fact that there is a recession. People have to adjust, and money and jobs and job losses are perceived differently. The idealist in me hopes that people affected by a recession learn to not take money and wealth for granted. However, with the success of locally funded charity programs, it seems that people were already aware of their higher socio-economic status and provided for those who were not as well off.

Because of school, I had been holed up in the house or Hastings many days (and nights). When I went down town recently, I was shocked by the amount of buildings and office spaces that are now vacant with "For Lease" signs above their entry ways. It is almost like a sick game because I try to jog my memory and think of what used to be there... for instance, Last Best Candles on Higgins: vacant, Pumpkin Carriage on Orange: vacant, Stoverud's on Higgins: vacant (pink signs helped my memory), etc.

With Nate's job loss, I am remembering some of those money saving strategies my mom taught me as a child, and it is surprising that I am actually proud that I know how to live on a tight budget. While I am very grateful that I have a steady job that has little risk of being impacted by a recession, I know that there are literally millions in this country that are not as fortunate.

With my background in growing up poor and then becoming a poor college student, these are the money saving strategies I have learned over time:
Eat in or if you absolutely must eat out-use coupons and eat half and take the rest home for leftovers tomorrow (yes, you can survive on half of that gigantic portion of pasta). SPH sells a coupon book (for $10!) which has many buy one get one free deals in it, and I plan on using every single one.
Go grocery shopping often and at different stores so you learn prices
Buy in bulk when cheapest ($4 for 2 gallons of milk at costco!!) Cereal prices are not as cheap when in bulk (at costco) compared to some of the prices I can get elsewhere. Bulk at the Good Food Store is a little different. Watch your portion sizes.
Make that meal even though it feeds an army! Leftovers save you money.
Search the free ads and craigslist for things you absolutely need
Do you know that the hospital gives its patients generics whenever it can? You too will live if you buy the cheaper generic ibuprofen than Motrin.
'Tis the season for garage sales!

I know I haven't posted in a long time, but here's my comeback.

Happy Birthday Blog!

2009-01-24T17:09:00.000-07:00

Blog turned three this month!!!

Awesome MySpace Comments & Myspace Layouts

Late Christmas Letter

2009-01-10T15:00:00.003-07:00

Sent these out to some people and spaced out sending them to other people for who knows why (insert own commonly used excuse here).
----------
Wow, I can’t believe it, I am done! I finally have a Bachelor’s of Science in Nursing from Montana State University! This final year has been extremely busy. Beginning in January, I rotated through different floors in Missoula’s bigger hospital. I really enjoyed being in the E.R. and the Intensive Care Unit.

In May, I attended the graduation ceremony. My grandma and my dad came up from Las Vegas to celebrate with me and Nate. Also in May, I bought a motorcycle, a 1975 Yamaha 125. After I got used to riding it and riding in traffic, I upgraded to a 2009 Kawasaki 250. When gas was $4/gallon, it was relieving to fill up its gas tank for $6 and be able to ride around for two weeks.

In July, I accompanied my dad to Pikes Peak International Hill Climb. Even though Missoula’s elevation is 3500 ft, I had a hard time adjusting to the altitude which ranged from 6500 - 14,000. The course was extremely dangerous, and living in the mountains has taught me that windy mountain roads are not to be challenged by driving up them as fast as you can. Thankfully, my dad delivered me to the top of Pike’s Peak in one piece.

August came and Nate and I ventured across the country to visit Minnesota. It was his first time there, and he loved it! However, when you spend 20 hours driving through eastern Montana
and North Dakota, I don’t know how anyone could think that Eastern Minnesota is not beautiful! Nate and Rob golfed at both of Giants Ridge’s courses, while my mom and I drove the carts. We also went fishing and caught several Walleyes (which we later devoured). Being a good tour guide, I gave Nate a North Shore tour, complete with stops at Split Rock Lighthouse,Betty’s Pies, Canal Park, and finishing up with a trip to Red Lobster (not very unique, but enjoyable). With the help of Emily and Maria, we also gave Nate a tour of Biwabik’s finest establishments, and made him listen to Da Yoopers “Second Week of Deer Camp”. Nate promised we could come back often – as long as we fly or take the train!

During this last semester, I have been busy juggling school, work, and more schoolwork. I’m excited to start a more normal schedule. I plan to take adult education classes and hopefully I’ll learn how to knit, speak Spanish fluently, and become a ballerina. I also hope that Nate and I will be able to take a trip to Belize (or some other tropical location) within a year.

Since I have been working at St. Patrick Hospital, I was able to transfer to an R.N. position on the cardiac/respiratory floor. I’m very excited to get this opportunity, and I know every day will be a learning experience. I’ll probably take the NCLEX in February, but I’ll be able to work as a Graduate Nurse from January until then while earning the same amount of money.
Happy Holidays!

I also included several pictures that I have already posted on here, which you can find by searching the tags for "pictures".

Nate and I at the Split Rock Lighthouse.

Rob bringing in the boat off of Lost Lake.

My mom and Rob at Giants Ridge.

Late but relevant post

2009-01-10T14:28:00.002-07:00

(I wrote this on December 20, and yes, am posting it now.)

Fresh from my pinning ceremony, I am experiencing so many different and overwhelming feelings. This may be the result of 5 ½ years worth of stress finally releasing from my body or the “single” shot of celebratory-tequila Heather poured for me. For the first time, I am saddened by the sudden loss of my 23 classmates. Even though I had no family at my pinning ceremony, I still felt surrounded by people that I have grown to love as if they were family. It feels so surreal, as if nothing has really changed, and we’ll all see each other again on Monday or after break. But, tonight was probably the last time that I’ll see many of my classmates.

At these things, it is always said, “Stay in touch,” “We’ll get together,” “See you around,”….but, the likelihood of these events ever happening is very slim. It is more of a nice way of saying, "You are a good person, but I'll probably find any excuse in the book because I'm afraid of connecting up with you because I don't know what we'll talk about." I'm still every bit of a skeptic even after finishing school. Maybe this is just my own altered reality. I know I'm the one that is scared, maybe it is a bit of social anxiety, who knows.

Say it isn't so

2008-12-17T11:20:00.002-07:00

It is so. I am actually done. Finished. I have reached the end of this marathon race. I have so many mixed emotions, it is hard to start describing them.

Elated because I don't have to worry about finishing assignments
Relaxed because I don't have to deal with the frustrations of school
Lost because I don't know what I should be doing now
Sad because I will miss the people that I have formed bonds with
Hopeful because I will get to see some of those people
Hesitant to celebrate because I am in the process of applying for grad school
Thankful for the support from my friends and family (especially Nate when he was patient with my less-than-optimally-clean ways)

I'm taking these positive emotions and remembering what it feels like, so I can learn how to appropriately adjust my attitude during stressful times. I'm off to accomplish some other exciting things I have been pushing off until I had more time. (Finish my christmas cards, buy a couple christmas presents, sign a lease, explore puppy ads, finish class slideshow, finish NCLEX application, take a bath :) I love life. **In other news, I reconnected with an old friend today** It just keeps on getting better.

Bits of self reflection

2008-12-12T01:32:00.003-07:00

If I have learned anything this semester, it is how to be extremely vague and wordy without getting a point across. In filling out evaluations, I found that I can talk around things without really saying much or making many points. Maybe this is just a result of too many assignments and senioritis... (should invent a med for that). My last doosey of a paper - 40 pages of text written with a partner thank goodness - was essentially loops of words. When you get to a certain length and level, as long as you throw in enough big buzz words, they just think you know what you're talking about, when really you're just trying to find enough text to fill up so many pages so they really don't want to read it.

Reading through my stuff to find a perfect example has left me empty handed. However, I did not venture into said 40pg paper. Maybe at the time when I'm writing it, it doesn't seem to make sense when in actuality it does and I've just sat here for too long reading and trying to find the perfect words to describe how I've met Course Objectives #1-9.

In other news, I've started an extensive "for fun" reading list that I can't wait to conquer!!! First up, Marley and Me. I've read the first four chapters at Hastings as a stress reliever, comical break, bad procrastinaiton habit. Think I'll finally give in and buy the book as a present to myself on Tuesday, December 16.

*4 days, 15 hours, 40 minutes

'Tis the Season!

2008-11-30T13:17:00.002-07:00

'Tis the Season for Christmas Carols! Hope you enjoy this other little gem. Definitely will make you smile and feel warm and fuzzy.

Da Yoopers, Rusty Chevrolet

A little late, but a classic

2008-11-30T12:42:00.002-07:00

I am in the process of writing my annual Christmas letter, and I needed to know the correct spelling for Da Yoopers when I found this gem! I didn't even know a video existed for it! Hope you enjoy.

Da Yoopers, Second Week of Deer Camp

I can't do it!

2008-11-08T20:22:00.002-07:00

I've decided for this one and only semester, I'm going to be fine with getting a C, whether it be on a paper, test, or crazy 20+ page project that needs to be started. I tried to not frantically study for my last test, and it went pretty well. I only studied for about three hours (on and mostly off) and managed to pull a high B/ low A away from it. I was completely satisfied with both the effort I put in and the grade I got out. (As I would have been with a low B/ high C.)

However, I'm finding that I cannot slack off on my papers!!!! Trust me, it is not because I want the good grade; it is because I'm passionate about the topics I am writing about. My latest paper was about universal health care. I think I have more than 6 references! WTF! I only needed one more reference other than the book I read for the stinking paper! Granted, one is a dictionary, one is a website, and three are different chapters in my edited book (all requiring separate entries according to APA guidelines). I wanted to support my ideas, but I don't think I needed to with this much annoying detail. Even though I am passionate about the subject, I go into this manic like phase when I write and I impulsively look for facts and figures and expert opinions to validate my opinions. It must be the journalist in me still hanging on from 6 years ago. Old habits do die hard...

Some randomness for you, oh reader, after the four and half hours I spent being a manic paper writer, I left this trusty cafe with the comfy seats and friendly baristas for the mall to get some real food. Even though I'm usually disgusted by early Christmas crap, I found myself happily engaging in the uplifting atmosphere. I ignored the looming cloud of schoolwork hanging above my head and imagined what it might be like to be those people having fun shopping for early Christmas gifts. Little kids squeal in delight, young teenage girls giggle about passing boys, a couple stare longly into each other's eyes, everyone looks like they don't have to do homework... EVER. I can honestly say that for a couple minutes I was able to completely forget what it was like to be buried under this suffocating heap of 'busy'work.

Ah.... such bliss.

Back to Paper #2 - Healthy Work Environment Status as Measured by Receiving the Beacon Award a 10-15 pager.

aaahhhhhhh sigh of relief

2008-11-06T22:20:00.001-07:00

It is strange how life gives you those simple reminders that you're doing the right thing. I was certain that my attitude for one class was less than positively radiant, and I felt guilty for this. I was worried that my instructor would take on the burden that my dissatisfaction and frustration was partly her fault, but of course it wasn't. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of work I still need to do in the 39 days and 20 hours left until The End, and I may have reflected this in my weekly update to her.

Thankfully, I had an opportunity to clarify my "concept of nursing" with her at my mid term meeting, and at the end of our meeting, she gave me one of the most heartfelt and sincere comments any nursing instructor gave me. She said that I may be quiet during our small group discussions and class, but when I do contribute to the group discussion, she feels that what I say is thoughtful and meaningful. She continued to say that this trait is very important for nurses to have because it lets patients feel as if they are being listened to.

Through all of the agony endured in my five and a half year stint as a student, these infrequent but memorable experiences remind me that I am doing something right and will one day be a successful professional in the career that I have invested so much emotional energy in. Thank you, comment givers, for helping me (and many others) see that glaring light at the end of the tunnel.

Maya Angelou once said, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Wow.

2008-11-05T13:17:00.001-07:00

I'm relieved that I don't have to abandon the country now.

Barack Obama Full Presidential Elect Acceptance Speech

Speaks for itself

2008-10-24T14:23:00.001-06:00

Voter Caging in Montana, Missoula Red Tape, voter suppression Montana

Deadlines

2008-10-06T17:01:00.002-06:00

Being a student teaches you all about deadlines and time management - most times in cruel and unusual ways. This post is not about the stress of being a college student. I'm slowly maturing into my 'professional life' and looking at the bigger picture. Right now, that 'bigger picture' is the impending election.

Here is all of the information that you would ever need, regardless of which state you live in, about politics from a self-proclaimed non-biased source.

Specifically, I was glad to see that Obama supported American Nurses Association initiatives 100% in 2005 and McCain supported ANA only 20% in 2005.

Regardless of my obvious political bias, this is the reason why I'm writing. The deadline to register to vote in Montana by mail is today. However, if you're any bit of a procrastinator like I am, you can still register in person 'at your local election office'.

Work of FICTION!

2008-09-26T08:01:00.003-06:00

I touch your skin

it is electrifying -

Oh how I've missed this.

I've missed touching you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I absorb your scent

memories flash before me,

of times you held me close.

I've missed your scent.

~~~~~~~~~~

You speak sweet words.

I've heard those words before,

but never with as much feeling.

I've missed your voice.

~~~~~~~~~~

Your lips gently press on mine -

you taste so sweet...

matches your personality.

Oh how I've longed to taste you.

~~~~~~~~~

Where are you?

For I cannot see you.

Oh please come back -

I miss you.

***Disclaimer: For starters, I am not a genius at poetry metering and rhythm - sorry. Second - no part of this is true. *Not one lousy little part.* It is purely a work of fiction.

Picture Letter

2008-09-17T19:58:00.007-06:00

One of many Lost Lakes in Minnesota by Vermilion Lake.

Fires in Missoula.

Funky flower from the farmer's market.

Edinburgh Dahlia

Duckling looking to jump

...maybe just a little closer

... one webbed foot,

and the other!

Sexism - take II

2008-09-15T21:19:00.007-06:00

It is funny how an educated woman, who actually has a personal values system, is ridiculed by the "elite" media as a a woman that reminds married men of their "nagging wives". I am so frustrated by the GOP's move to choose a WOMAN as VP, I can't find words to explain how I feel.

At least someone isn't afraid to call her what she is...

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin SNL spoof, Hillary Clinton & Sarah Palin SNL, Saturday Night Live
Sarah Palin and Stephen Colbert Report

Enjoy - click for better views

2008-08-13T18:50:00.010-06:00

There she is. 14,110 ft tall.

I think this picture shows the course from the ski area to Glen Cove.

One part of the W's at Pikes Peak.

The practice runs were held very early in the morning. The sun didn't have a chance to burn through this cloud front before it went on the course. If you look closely, you can see that this driver, Mike Childress #229, had his 2003 Ford F150 on two wheels! Mike finished 2nd in the ProTruck Divsion with a time of 14:16.701.

Fast car, nothing looks too wrong with it, right? Kind of throwing up a lot of dirt, but no biggie, right?
I think this is Robert Lopez #21 in the Pikes Peak Open division.

This tire and two more identical ones may be the reason for the car throwing up so much dirt! Mr. Lopez finished 2nd in his class in his 2006 Subaru WRX STI with a final time of 13:13.143. As a side note and not to discredit Robert's finish, half of the cars in the Pikes Peak Open division did not finish. Here is Marty Roestenburg, who was also in the Pikes Peak Open Division. Very nice guy and an exceptional racer. He was almost a full minute ahead of the other cars in his division at the 16 mile checkpoint!

Garden of the Gods.

Kissing camels at the Garden of the Gods. Can you see them?

Here are the camels close up.

COG railway. I hope it never needs these last couple of... inches!

2008 Pikes Peak International Hill Climb pictures, 2008 PPIHC pictures, 2008 Race to the Clouds pictures

Issues

2008-08-05T23:11:00.004-06:00

In such an important and close presidential race, why would you initiate tactics like this retard did? The people that are on the fence want to know how one candidate is going to better this messed up country, and where he stands on the things that matter - the issues. IF, IF, I was voting for McCain, I would hope that the genius behind this ad was fired. But, as far as I'm concerned, keep him (or her) on! He's single handedly ruining McCain's reputation. Good. But, doesn't McCain approve his ads before airing them? Hm... who should really be fired then?

John McCain, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears campaign ad parody

Leavened or Unleavened

2008-07-29T10:47:00.006-06:00

If I were a bread, I would like to imagine that my life would equate to a fresh bread made at the local bakery (Le Petit Outre). Free of preservatives and artificial colorings and flavorings. A simple yet complex blend of few ingredients that form together and the outcome is literally dependent on the weather. Somedays I'm tough and hard to swallow, other times, most enjoyable in moderation with a little bit of butter, and in some cases the sole perfect accompaniment to a warm, hearty bowl of soup.

Why in the world would a normally sane girl be comparing herself to a loaf of bread? Well, because I'm incredibly worried that my life is going to turn stale if I don't do something about it. I have been living in the freezer, known as Montana, for a while and haven't realized that life outside of the freezer is new and challenging, but what challenges do I want to take? Which ones do I want to avoid? Am I just making a huge mess of nothing? I want to go out and discover new places and breads, but at what cost? Will I be leavened and rise to the occasion and search out new experiences, or will I be unleavened, humble, and enjoy what I have for the fact that I'm familiar with my situation... does that breed contempt, or contentment?

Any and all suggestions are welcomed with open ears.

Very 'Cuil'

2008-07-28T12:47:00.004-06:00

A new search engine that accesses more web pages. You can read all about it from Yahoo here. I tried it out by searching my own name, and I was surprised by how many more listings were found. One possible problem is that it seems to log a ton of spam pages. Maybe these were just kinks in my highly technical search. I'll definitely try using cuil more in the future.

Fun way to inform ppl

2008-07-24T11:14:00.002-06:00

Don't have a garage, but this is a smart idea presented in a very clever manner. Engineers can be interesting and fun!

PPIHC 2008 Highlight Video

2008-07-24T10:30:00.005-06:00

I thought this video did a good job at combining a lot of the better racers - there were a lot of quads and motorcycles *yawn*. (Still braver than me to do it tho!) The monkeys in the side cars were absolutely crazy! It doesn't seem that bad if you're driving and have control over your vehicle, but essentially holding on and inspecting the road, very closely, at high speeds is absolutely insane! These guys (and gal) look like they enjoy it tho! (I wish the pictures were a little slower, tho - as you may know, I like to look at the bigger picture! ;)

Pikes Peak 2008 video, Race to the Clouds 2008 video, PPIHC 2008 video,

contentment vs. disappointment vs. frustration

2008-07-23T14:34:00.002-06:00

I've been debating the differences between these words lately and how they each relate to my life. Am I just content? Is it disappointment? Maybe I'm just frustrated by the unknown.... more to come later...

Reset

2008-07-23T14:08:00.004-06:00

My Clustrmap was reset while I was in Las Vegas. I was growing proud of my little red dots, and suddenly, they disappeared! :( Oh well, now I have new little red dots to look after and take care of by feeding them with new and entertaining posts. I hope they grow up to be big and strong! (I knew it was going to be reset, but it was a little shocking. I'm just glad I have access to the old map.) I did have another IP address tracker on here, but I thought it was a little too violating of people's rights albeit, very interesting that it could get that close. It might reappear from scratch, or maybe not. I'll probably debate it for a long time only to come to a decision that is completely out of the blue.

In the musical dark

2008-07-09T00:47:00.002-06:00

My iPod was acting up, so I showed it who was boss and reformatted the darn thing. (While losing music I did not have on my computer :( .) When I was playing around and trying to see if there was any way that I could save some of my songs, I stumbled on to the artwork buttons and realized it was much easier to add artwork than I had thought. I originally thought one had to buy the artwork (you probably do, and I'm doing this illegally, but that's really enough said).

Anyways, when I was going through all of my music (all 2 GB of music alone, not including podcasts) I realized a couple of things. The first thing that I realized is how out of touch I am with the current music scene. Not only with new bands, but with bands I have grown to love, but over time have just forgotten about. Take my love, Mason Jennings, for instance -- the last album I bought of his was Century Spring back in 2002 or 2003. Since then, he has released 3 more albums that I know nothing about - except sadly for their existence. :'( I don't even want to talk about the many shows I've missed of since I began living in the middle of a musically challenged black hole ** please note disclaimer**. (Tool cancelled their show here in December, and a couple of years ago, Ani DiFranco also cancelled in Bozeman, but is thankfully coming back this year to both Missoula and Bozeman.)

Aside from learning that many bands I love have new albums out, a couple of bands announced a hiatus beginning this year! WTF! (I guess it does give me some time to catch up on the albums I don't know.) Both Incubus and RHCP announced this spring that they were taking at least a year each to catch up on their lives. ...Come on! Don't they know how to multi-task? I am selfishly joking. Taking breaks from each other is a great thing- as long as they get back together down the line when I'm ready and can actually afford to take day trips to BFE to see their shows.

Since it is one o'clock in the morning, I suppose I'll get back to my "tasks". I leave on Thursday morning for Vegas.

** There are many musically gifted people already here in Missoula, and for that I am thankful for, I just miss *my* bands.

keeping me up to date

2008-07-07T14:01:00.002-06:00

Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert and cookie monster

Randomness

2008-07-02T11:02:00.002-06:00

Okay, so it has been a long time since I've posted a real post. I'm going to send my grandma Lois a visual letter. Who doesn't like to receive pictures? When I get all the pictures together I'll post a duplicate here. On a side note, it rained last night and it smells wonderfully today! On another side note, we have some wild pet birds. (They aren't really pets, they just perch on our open windows (with screens)). They are very cute, and they sing beautifully. More to come later.

"Freedom Drops"

2008-06-06T11:25:00.005-06:00

As sad as it is, this is how I stay up to date on the news that matters. I can't even explain how disgusted I am by the news reporters featured in this clip. (Insert own wise crack about balding middle-aged men here).

Jon Stewart and Kristen Schaal and Hillary Clinton and sexism

Like morels from a burned forest floor...

2008-05-30T12:58:00.003-06:00

Something good always comes from a disaster.

I don't know much about morels, but supposedly they are delicious. (I think they look creepy.) Isn't it interesting that disasters push people to create new inventions, discover new information, and become more diplomatic? I like to think that even though somethings are disasters currently, the amount of information that society takes from that event is amazing. Makes me proud to be a human - an Earthling.

"Unauthorized reproduction is encouraged"

2008-05-27T12:14:00.005-06:00

Stolen from another blog... hehehe! ... "corporal cuddling".

An Engineer's guide to cats by Klusmanp

Why didn't we evolve with wings?

2008-05-25T23:21:00.005-06:00

I know there are people looking at this blog ... vote on my poll! (By the way, I love Moby, and I'm ever so grateful that I got the opportunity to see him in concert... maybe it will happen again?)

Missoulians... beware!

2008-05-16T14:34:00.003-06:00

This morning, I heard a cop pull over not 1, not 2, but 3 people in less than a half hour. The speed limit (conveniently unposted) is only 25 mph, and there is a stop sign at Johnson and North that people frequently slide through. The cops patrol this area like crazy. If you are over here, do not speed, and do not slide through the stop sign.

Gotta Love this Man (or his writers - Thank you writers!)

2008-05-14T21:42:00.001-06:00

New Season = Change

2008-05-13T13:07:00.002-06:00

Decided to change my blog layout around. I did this for a couple of reasons. The primary reason was because my pictures and videos were difficult to see with the dark background. Another reason was that I simply like to change things around some times. (And, I'm avoiding cleaning up all of my school paperwork crap among other things like the dishes, laundry, and general organization). Hope you like the new do and...

REMEMBER TO VOTE ON MY POLL! yes... I'm talking to you. You don't even need to "register." Sweet and simple. Click on an answer and thats it. There is room for computer malfunctions, but luckily a mistake here doesn't decided our next four years. This poll is for my own curiosity.

Oh yea, it would probably be good for you to vote/register for the presidential election. Just got my voter card in the mail the other day! :D *Beaming proudly*

Long time coming

2008-05-13T11:46:00.005-06:00

Here are some pictures I've been meaning to post since oh... September!

Ready, set, READ!!!

2008-05-07T13:11:00.003-06:00

113 Days of summer here I come! I have several different Nicholas Sparks books lined up to read over the course of the summer (including the one that I checked out in February that I haven't gotten around to finishing yet). Others on my list include:
A Million Little Pieces
My Friend Leonard
Going to Bend
Prozac Nation
1000 Tables
The Way we Eat
Hubler's "Leadership and Nursing Care Management

Hopefully I'll be able to finish all of these this summer and still have a great time. I'm still looking for more suggestions!

Post Script - 5-13-08
When we were in Bozeman, we stopped at some bookstores: the Country Bookshelf and Vargos Jazz City and Books. While perusing the shelves, I found at least a dozen more books that look fascinating. Being the dork that I am, I took some pictures with my phone so I wouldn't forget them!
Cooking with Spices for Dummies
The Spice Bible
The New Intercourses
Dog Years - random- don't even know what it is about, but the dog is surely cute!
Letters to a Young Chef
Street World
The Expert's Guide to 100 Things Everyone Should Know How to Do

ACP - Advanced Care Planning

2008-05-01T08:52:00.005-06:00

I can understand why families have a hard time making end of life decisions. If they decide that DNR is best and comfort care is provided, the family can feel as if they are "giving up" on their loved one. If they want to prolong life at all costs, they may feel guilty that they are making them live in pain. What if a person with a DNR just needs a little help now and still has a couple years left? What if you're making the person live a life that you think is best when all they really want is a good ol' juicy cheeseburger? What if you give him that cheeseburger and it essentially kills him? What if you had just stuck to the healthy way and he would still be there five years down the road but those years would be painful?

While I do not have a person family member experiencing this now - she is better than any person, she is my dog. Come July 18, she will turn 13. My mom called me yesterday and said that she thought she had died the other day because she wouldn't get up and wasn't even moving very much to breathe. Kashmira has been with me more than half of my life. I haven't really talked with my mom about this, but I'm pretty sure she thinks that we should put her down soon. But, what if...? My mind is racing, and the tears are flowing.

I feel guilty that I haven't been with her very much the past several years I've been in school. I try to remind myself of all of the things that we did get to do together. When we were both much younger, she pulled me in a sled every where. It was the highlight of my day to come home from school and go race around on the trails by my house with her. She even had a real dog sled harness! Then she had puppies and they were oh so cute. Then we would go walking all around the woods all of the time. She loved to go to the park on Main St. and chase the squirrels. She would get very antsy whenever I would take her for a walk because she seemed to like it so much. Then, she was my only companion for a while, and we did everything together- including going to school! Then she traveled with me. We stayed next to a gopher town in N.D. and she had a blast there trying to hunt them down. (Of course it didn't work). We went to MT, UT, and NV. She stayed there for a while, then came back to MN with my mom and sister. I took her back out to MT to live for a while. It was funny watching her pounce through the deep snow. She got sprayed by a skunk one night after she had been to the groomer (or else she found a dead skunk and rolled in it). Classic. She tried to chase the deer once out there ( I know it is uncouth, but I couldn't stop her). Then she came back to MN and has lived with my mom until now.

I don't know what to do.

Disclaimer, she is 80% fur. When ever she gets wet you can see her body and she is not as big as she looks with her puffy fur.

Earth Week

2008-04-23T14:59:00.003-06:00

I know this video seems long at first glance, but before you know it, you're already six minutes and then... it's over! I would like to post some more articles/pictures for Earth Week, but we'll see what how my procrastination abilities pan out.

http://view.break.com/381084 - Watch more free videos

My Simple Mind

2008-04-15T15:35:00.003-06:00

I don't really get many opportunities to watch television. The only time that is pretty consistent for me is in the afternoon - when seemingly nothing is on. The afternoon is too late (and too early) for all of the good Food Network shows, and it is too early to watch classic reruns of CSI (the original in Las Vegas) on Spike. This lack of options has made me search out for something new. I found several wastes of my time such as Extreme Dating on Fox Reality (on a side note, how can there be an entire channel dedicated to reality TV?). However, I have found several shows that I actually like: The Daily Show, Colbert Report, Scrubs, DogTown (animal rescue), and Code Blue (or some other form of reality show that is situated in the ER). Yesterday I saw the funniest episode of Scrubs. Today I saw a very surprising thing on the Colbert Report. Who ever knew Stephen Colbert could sing like this! Wow. Well, I'll leave you with this video of Stephen singing and now, onto the mound of dishes! :p

Renewed Invigoration

2008-03-23T22:23:00.003-06:00

After my last stressed out post, I found some ways to help cope. First, I decided to buy a subscription to Bead Style magazine. I rationalized this with my resolution to make more jewelry this summer. In buying the magazines, I'll hopefully be more inspired and my inspiration will grow and I'll be able to create my own works of wearable art.

Second, I'm finally going to commit to changing my position to one that isn't as demanding in the amount of hours that I'm required to work. I know people can work 20+ hours a week and they are just fine. For me, it is mostly brutal. (Warning rant coming!) In working so much, I'm not able to spend as much time doing stuff that is good for me. I miss not being able to go out with Nate or my close friends on a whim. I miss not being able to cook dinner whenever I want (as opposed to 3 nights a week - usually I'm too exhausted anyways). And I miss being able to go to cultural things - even if I can't drag anyone along.

What cemented my plan to switch positions was an email from Mason Jennings regarding his summer shows. He and Jack Johnson are playing at River's Edge in Somerset, WI on June 22. I think the last (and first) outdoor music festival I was able to dance freely at was the Green Man Festival outside of Duluth in the summer of 2002. I guess there were sporadic trips to Duluth to dance outside of Pizza Luce to WookieFoot and high school dances where people asked if my friends and I were on drugs (because we took up the unoccupied back half of the cafeteria to have room)! Anyways, rambling aside, I need to be in an unrestricted atmosphere and dance my little heart out to music that I like to dance to. If I were to keep my position, I would not be able to live as recklessly as I would like (take a week off here, week off there, etc).

In addition to the above mentioned stress relievers, I also found a couple websites that I'm really enjoying right now. Baking Bites and Not Martha are my favorites so far.

Me

2008-03-17T13:33:00.002-06:00

I don't like who I am. My less than ideal personality quirks have made things - life - more difficult. The latest confrontation I had about me made me feel so awful. Why do I do this? Why don't I do that? More often than not it seems that I could be more ideal if I just shut-up and didn't say anything to anyone. I have gotten better at moderating my comments and anything that comes out of my mouth, but I still am less than ideal. (I'm refraining from the word "perfect" because I am realistic.)

When I was younger (throughout grade/middle/high school) I wanted to be other people because it seemed like they had everything - the nice clothes, caring parents, lots of friends. Now, I wish I had other people's personality traits. (On a positive note, I'm grateful because I recognize traits that I'm glad that I don't have.) It seems to me that if I were less of a "know-it-all" and more of a _____ (I don't even know what it is trait these people have), my life would be easier. How do I do this? How do I become a better person? I am trying but what if there's a key part that I'm missing because I can't see it and others can? Oh and on top of this - I don't want to be a nurse this week. Hopefully next week my perspective will change.

Newly discovered oddities

2008-03-14T09:09:00.003-06:00

At times, I am strange. Some may already know this to be true, but I am finally admitting it. Recently, I've found that I like to read obituaries. I'm not sure what started this fixation, but I enjoy reading about people's lives - some being very impressive!

Another oddity is that I dislike when people ask how you are, and since I only use proper grammar when I have to, I say "good." When I return the question, they say "well". What are they trying to prove? Well you, sir, are working at a grocery store. I suppose that I annoy these people just as much because I am not using proper grammar, and am therefore, uneducated.

During my spring break, my imagination is running wild. I have really odd dreams, and very odd daydreams. (Watching the Travel channel's lists of Best Beaches in Florida, the Caribbean, the United States, Hawaii, and the Sexiest Beaches of the World, only increases my daydreaming capabilities). One dream that I had, I was crawling in three feet of fluffy snow with a machete.

This is all I can think of for now.

Quick Post

2008-02-19T14:43:00.002-07:00

While perusing for some clips to add to our group project, I came across this YouTuber. When I watched the first video, "Grief is Like Racing," I wasn't sure if he was mocking grief or if this guy was for real. Some of the things he touched on were right on the money and sensitive, but Nascar racing??? Honestly, how can anyone take that seriously!

Further investigation on my part would show me that this guy actually knows what he is talking about! He is a Master's prepared licensed counselor! I can't believe he has only been on YouTube for 2 months and doesn't have a huge fan base yet. Count me in! I think what I like best about him is that he is making light of serious situations and is discreetly offering serious advice.

Here is one of his videos and a link to his YouTube profile with the complete list of his videos.

BubbaCounselor

I found some new shoes!

2008-02-09T10:23:00.000-07:00

While this one isn't exactly like the ones I found, it is still very similar. They are little jewelry boxes that look like flip flops! Very, very cute! And, amazingly inexpensive at $6.50 per shoe. I bought three of them from the Garden of Beadin' to use as gift boxes for some hand made jewelry.

But I still love 'em

2008-02-09T09:48:00.000-07:00

My Danskos have molded to become my most favorite pair of shoes. However, they have one eensy weensy problem - they have put a damper on my love of shoe shopping. Granted, they cost around $100 and that alone would be enough to make some people quit buying shoes. These shoes are so perfect that other shoes can't live up to the standard that my Danskos have set. Even my other "almost every dayers" get jealous because I don't take them out as often as my Danskos. My Danskos fit like warm fuzzy slippers on a cold winter's day. My foot is ying and my Dansko, yang.

New "do"

2008-01-27T12:07:00.000-07:00

I thought it would be fun to spice up the layout of my blog. I found this great website, Pyzam, from browsing another blog. I was overwhelmed by how many different layouts they had. I wanted to do a Valentine's Day theme without it being too corny, and this is what I found! I think it is beautiful, but I can't add sidebar links the same way that I could so nicely with blogger's layouts. They will have to do, though. I have several things that I want to post, so stay tuned!

Nothing is more disappointing

2008-01-23T14:09:00.000-07:00

... than a dirty bathroom. My critique of bathrooms started when I was in about the third grade and I hated using a certain bathroom at a well known big box store. I hated it because it was disgusting. It always smelled of cigarette smoke or a stuffy combination of fake flowers and cigarette smoke. It was never clean, and it was always dark and dingy.

Nate and I had dinner at a well known chain restaurant. A typical plate at this place costs anywhere from $15 - $26. I used the restroom, and it made me completely disappointed with the place. The bathroom was poorly laid out, had strange smell, had a dark, dingy look, and dealing with the faucets was a nightmare! Nothing can ruin a first impression faster than a dirty bathroom. It is one thing if you're a busy nursing student with a part-time job and you only get around to cleaning the bathroom every other week. But a nationally known chain restaurant (and I'm not talking about a fast food restaurant- one expects their bathrooms to be disgusting) should have clean bathrooms. (Not to mention, if you follow a particular "theme", why would you not include it in your bathrooms). I guess what really makes me upset about this is that a dirty bathroom makes one wonder what else is dirty that the paying customer doesn't see in a restaurant.

Wait for it!

2008-01-12T15:42:00.001-07:00

This video is hilarious, you just have to wait until the end! When Kashmira was in Montana, she would get snow stuck in her paws so I bought her a similar pair of booties and she did the same exact walk! Very, very comical to me. (Probably not to Kashmira).

$200...not bad!

2008-01-11T15:07:00.000-07:00

I purchased my school books and was surprised to see that I barely spent $200; a definite improvement from the $500 I paid last year! It is still hard to believe that I'm finally, FINALLY, a senior! Usually by four and a half years into college, most people are graduated with real jobs and real lives. Not this cool cat. I have less debt, so I'm fine with the time extension.

However, with this new 'seniority', I'm being forced into giving up this familiar life that I've actually grown accustomed to. School life is kind of convenient in an odd way: all of my loans stay in deferment, someone else picks my life's schedule, holidays and vacations are guaranteed off, and the end is always somewhere in the distance. That distance, however, is extremely illusive - until now. Job searches have been a way to day dream life as a real nurse. Deadlines for said 'real jobs' were always stress free because that wouldn't be me for another year or two. (I've been daydreaming for a while now!) But now I have to remember when hospitals are accepting applications for new grads. I have to decide on an internship that might give me an edge for a job. I have to decide where my life is going.

Blog turns 2

2008-01-03T10:58:00.000-07:00

Upon waking, I experienced a revelation. Not only did I remember that my blog was now two, but I realized why I have failed in the past. I have been extremely negative, and about what I don't know (actually it was probably about everything). It makes me wonder where I'd be if I just lightened up more often. However, there's no sense in regretting my behavior because it will only continue to make me bitter and I'll miss out on what I have.

On that note, Nate and I went snowboarding twice so far this season. That is two times as much as we went last season!! The first time we went up to Snowbowl which is not very far from Missoula. This past time we went to Lookout Pass which is on the Idaho side of I-90. I couldn't believe how much snow they had! In one spot, the snow was up to my mid thigh! Thankfully I was blowing through it on my snowboard and not trying to hike in it! They were also very cheap and on Pacific Standard Time!! I was pretty bummed because I thought we got a late start and the roads were crappy, but when we got there we saw the Pacific Time sign and everything seemed better. We plan on making a trip to Schweitzer, but Nate has to get on that so I am able to take the time off.

Hopefully we'll be able to make a trip down to Big Sky at least once this season. I love the feeling that Big Sky gives me. I love riding their awesome snow, and it is so huge that you can explore a new trail every time you're there. To top it off, sitting in the Carabiner lounge drinking a Salmon Fly Honey Ale, spiced Apple Cider, or delicious hot chocolate completes the day and melts all of your sore muscles away.

Lately, Nate and I have been discussing living life in a ski town. It really sounds fantastic because we'll be able to keep doing the things that we love to do. However, ski towns usually don't have the good paying jobs, even for us 'professionals'! And we'll both have loans that need to be paid. I guess we'll just see where life takes us!

27 days & 20 hours

2007-12-16T12:35:00.000-07:00

of freedom from papers, tests, and 6:30 labs! Nate and I went snowboarding to celebrate. I did good enough in my classes, and I'm fine with that.

I began my first book to read for fun over the break. It is called "The Significance of Children and Animals." I picked it up when I was looking for references for a paper. I'll probably also find an easy to read Nicholas Sparks novel. I love to read cheesy romance novels, and he's the best I've found.

As one might assume, I think my brain has shut off. I wanted to write, but now that I'm here nothing makes sense.

The end is very near

2007-12-05T14:09:00.000-07:00

We have class tomorrow, one final Monday, and the last final on Tuesday. Very very exciting, but I feel as if I've already taken my finals and have nothing else to do with my time! Huge mistake on my part! I've barely studied, and I know I need to. But, I can't really find a place that is conducive to studying. I'll probably rotate around town visiting the places that sometimes work, but only during their quiet times.

It is frustrating. On a much better note, though, I had a great experience at work the other night. A lady with a chronic debilitating disease joined us. I was honored to have enough time to sit with her and listen. It is experiences like this, that remind me why I am doing what I do. This lady almost had me in tears several times, and I'm not entirely sure why right now. It is just that I really felt like that is where I was supposed to be, and that is where she needed to be. It is interesting how lives intertwine at the most critical moments and something remarkable and beautiful happens because of it.

Enlightenment aside, it still won't help me prove the mindless knowledge I learned from my books and classes. I know it is very important to have a strong understanding of the pathophysiology of disease and dis-ease, but how can they test you on the things that really matter? Okay, I'll leave until after finals to write a hallelujah piece.

3000 ... not 300

2007-11-19T01:59:00.002-07:00

For those of you who are directed here because you want to know how many pages a 3000 word essay is, the text equals out to about 10 pages, 12 point font, double spaced, with one inch margins. Additionally, a 10,000 word essay equals out to about 32 pages of text with 12 point font, double spaced, with one inch margins.

Hope this helps you with your endeavor, and please feel free to click on the "Resolution" title above to read my current entries. Thank you and good luck!

I just finished an assignment for my most exciting class. That is a glorious feeling. When I started this project I had visions of bullets and straight to the point sentences dancing in my head. Oh how I was sadly mistaken when this tedious project turned into a 3000 word paper! If I were to leave it at 12-point-double-spaced-less-than-one-inch-margin settings it would waste 10 sheets of bright white paper. I would love to leave it in the one and a half spacing that I write in and 11 point font to only use 6 pages of paper, but one of the criterion for the paper is double-spaced... do you think she would notice? Or better yet... would it really matter? Less room to write comments in my pretty!!!!

Okay, I'm probably going crazy. No matter how many pages I format it too, this stupid assignment worth one fifth of my grade, took 3000 words to "sum up". That is a short novel according to when I was piece paid as a newspaper writer. Towards the end of my paper (okay probably when I was at the 300 word mark...), I could feel my grammatical reasoning slip. Words and punctuation just didn't fit together, I couldn't even spell! I relied on my fingers remembering how to spell out words, and typing anything that was close enough to get picked up and fixed by Word. See, I'm still having problems. I needed to debrief and take pride in my accomplishment, though. Not only did I finish this assignment, I finished the Denver II write-up (what a piece of cake! I like instructors who say "NO MORE THAN ONE PAGE!") and I submitted my care plan in ahead of schedule (as opposed to waiting for that deadline and forcing it to come out of my brain).

I agree with Mandi when she writes, "It's strange - no amount of disappointment or self loathing has had any effect on my terrible procrastination habit" (2007) ;). I wish and swear that next time will be different. I could be on top of it and have final assignments done two weeks early. I can turn off Alton Brown and get off my lazy butt to exercise. I'll get around to picking up my dirty-but-not-really-dirty laundry in that heap on my floor. Hm... looks like my problem not only is with school but that's how I am in general. Why is it so hard to change this habit?

I'm feeling that homework hangover start. (Probably the result of too much caffeine, not enough glucose, and the call of my nest (a fluffy down comforter)). Yup... those 3000 words really made me crazy. On a better note, IT SNOWED!!! Maybe a whole 3-5 inches so far! Nate and I went for a nice evening stroll in the first real snowfall. I had to save my sanity somehow!

Never thought I would be

2007-11-14T11:31:00.000-07:00

I'm overwhelmed by feelings of fear. I don't want to do certain things because I'm too scared. But, it is a different kind of scared.

For instance, I'm scared that no matter how well I'm trained and able to do my job, something will still go wrong, and I'll hurt someone and I'll be sued. That's all it is. I was looking into NICU jobs, but then I got too scared to want to go into that field because of the high rate of malpractice suits. Then I was thinking adult critical care, and I was frightened again. Ped's-no. Oncology-no. ER-I have no idea. Maybe I should just go and pass meds in a nursing home.

I don't know what to do except wait patiently for this uncomfortable feeling to pass, and keep on doing the best I can at building a strong base of knowledge and understanding. For now, I'll just wait for my stomach to untie these awful knots it wrapped itself in.

2007-10-28T22:54:00.000-06:00

I've had a couple of ideas that I wanted to post before I forgot them, so, as I wait to go to bed (Nate is cleaning), I'll take this opportunity to post.

I've been on a very strange food kick. I'm becoming more adventurous and trying recipes that look and sound great, but things that I've never tried before with ingredients I've never used. I thought exploring this unfamiliar territory would be exciting, but it has left me with a bad taste in my mouth (literally... not the usual metaphorical example). I made a daring spaghetti squash with a nice cream and mushroom and goat cheese sauce that turned out extraordinarily bland. It is still sitting in the fridge, half eaten. I also did Mexican macaroni, a recipe I never really knew but thought I could pull off. Even though I thought it was fine, it was a little off. The cheese melted funny and was granular instead of stringy. I also didn't use stewed tomatoes so there were chucks of tomatoes, and I can never really tell when pasta is adequately done.... My latest flop were pumpkin cookies with cream cheese frosting. They were okay... not spectacular. The frosting was great, but not the best snack food around. The cookies just aren't sweet enough. It is like a minicake. They just don't suffice a craving for cookies. I'm going to try an eggplant pasta on Tuesday... we'll see how that goes. I'm sick of knowing only a couple of good recipes. I want to learn new recipes that I can make and that taste great. I could look at this positively in the aspect that I've succeeded at finding several recipes that don't work so well for me.

In perspective, though, that doesn't seem very important when I consider what other people have to deal with. At work, I wish I had all the right answers. I wish I knew what to do with all of our patients, but then I'm torn because I don't know if I should even be doing something that a nurse normally would since I'm only an HCA (and nurse *cough*cough*..superhero... in training). But it kills me to just sit and do nothing. One nurse did complement me on how well I was able to calm and redirect one of our younger clients. (More to come later... I am going to bed regardless of the cleaning time).

Only 65% of an addict

2007-10-10T18:41:00.000-06:00

65%

100% Free Personals from JustSayHi

I definitely had to answer yes to the "do you blog instead of doing other things you have to do like studying for an exam."

Switching gears

2007-10-06T21:50:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was my sister's birthday. She turned 20. On Thursday, we had guest speakers from Mountain Home speak to our class. Moutain Home is a place for pregnant teenage girls who are homeless or otherwise disendowed. This experience so close to my sister's birthday created a great flux of emotions within me... as my sister's son will turn 4 in November; her daughter, 2 in December.

My family has tried to help my sister so much: given her money when needed, a place to enjoy family company, transportation to and from appts, even offering a free place to live. However, she refuses to use the last resource to her and her children's benefit. She was evicted from her last apartment because it was infested both by bugs and drugs. She didn't cause it to be like this. However, it was in the terms of her lease and she knowingly accepted. She has a different apartment now and continues to live hand to mouth.

As one might detect, this is a painful topic for me because it is impossible for me to understand my sister's reasoning for staying in Vegas with virtually nothing. But, has my anger and frustration caused me to treat my sister less than I would a stranger I met in the hospital?

For instance, if a teenager presented herself to me in a clinical setting and had many of the same characteristics as my sister, I wouldn't think twice about finding her help, giving her the tools she needed to get on her feet, and helping her make a positive change in her life. With my sister, I have mentioned stuff to her, and expected if she really wanted to change, she would do it. She would find the resources she needed in her area and get on with it. With internet access, I probably have an easier time trying to find resources for her. Why am I waiting?

I think I just don't want to be upset by her. With someone else, I don't have to see her and be hurt by her the rest of my life. It hurts because I know what she could have become. It hurts because she is so damn stubborn for reasons that she refuses to fully understand. It hurts because she is only letting a horrible cycle continue.

I am going to find some information for her and leave it up to her and leave it at that... yeah right, but I can hope that she is still in that immature adolescent stage and consequence/benefit/abstract operational thinking is still developing. (Adolescent stage goes from 12-25...)

Keeping things in perspecitive

2007-09-22T22:42:00.000-06:00

I absolutely love my job. I work with wonderful people who are very intuitive and great at what they do. I know I've only worked there for a month, but, it may turn out to be an area that interests me. I always feel so empowered and confident when I leave, it makes me hate to leave sometimes! The nurses (male and female) always offer insight and love to be teachers. It is comforting to have people understand where you're at, and will give you keys to succeed and thrive.

It also feels great when you can feel like you're making a difference in a patient's life. Being in a mental health institution is a very delicate and impressionable time in someone's life. Because of my age, I feel like I helped to reach out to an adolescent and hopefully gave her someone to look up to. It may be an egotistical notion, but it feels right.

Experiencing these feelings helped rejuvenate my drive and initiative to not allow myself to fail, and I'm going to do everything in my powers to help ensure that I don't. I'm making a list and checking it twice, finding out what's going to get me to pass, and submitting it to my instructor. I have a plan. I'm going to make this work, so I better end this post! I needed to release the three cups of hot chocolate/coffee I had at work at 2100.

It keeps on pouring

2007-09-21T14:14:00.000-06:00

I had to have another meeting with my instructor over the entire key incident/ how I'm doing. And, well, simply, I'm a failure. Yes, you heard it correctly...this overachieving perfectionist is literally failing because she refuses to do things half assed. Everyone else should not fret though, because I'm what's known to my instructor as "the only one" who is not comfortable with being thrown to the wolves. And the only one who is "failing" because I don't know anything about babies. I have read the chapters, and looked at the stupid clinical companion, and I don't know why it isn't connecting. Even still, I look back at what I've highlighted and asked, "I read this?"

The jist of my "let's rub everything in, because it's fun, and makes students cry and feel worthless" meeting was essentially just that. Okay, we already had this discussion, can we move on...? No, absolutely not. But I understand that you feel like I'm worthless. Can I just be done with it? No, at least once in your entire school career (if you pass), you have to question why you're here and why you want to continue on. That ideal you held about why you wanted to subject yourself to 4+ years of schooling do do what you thought you were cut out to do was absolutely bullshit.

What it comes down to though, is I'm me, I'm not other students, we all don't function at the same level, I'm sorry I'm stupid sometimes. Isn't everyone? Aren't we all just humans? Sorry, I forgot instructors/professors aren't human (even though you've also made your share of stupid mistakes).

When it rains…

2007-09-16T16:20:00.000-06:00

It has been a hard week, and I’m having a hard time putting my finger on it so I can deal with it appropriately. I feel lost in my clinical rotation. I’m not organized. I forget little things. I know Jack. (We’re actually great friends… oh you don’t know him? His last name is Crap.) I’m behind on a lot of stuff.

I forgot to return keys the other day, and I think that is what definitely put me in this mindset. I felt on the verge yesterday, but I’m not sure on what type. I didn’t know if I wanted to just quit right there, cry, or scream. I feel like my instructor hates me or thinks I’m some inferior because I don’t ask for help, and because I’m not as enthusiastic about this rotation. I don’t know, I guess I just can’t read her. At this point, it isn’t about a grade, that comes with homework. (If I ever get around to reading all twenty fricken chapters). It is about feeling acceptance or approval of what I’m doing, and for it to be okay if I don’t know everything. Isn’t that why they are there? I’m paying you to help me, to guide me, to teach me. Not to throw me to the wolves and wonder why I don’t know how to survive.

To make matters worse, it seems like I’m the only one who feels like this. I must have missed the memo that we were kicked out from under the wing early.

Nate and I are going to Glacier National Park this weekend. I think it will be a great break, but I could use the valuable time to catch up on my reading. Oh well. I think this semester it will be okay if I slack off. I did well enough last year that I gave myself a nice cushion to absorb the stress I put on myself to get good grades.

Well, this post spent a couple days on my desktop. Glacier was fun. It was kind of hazy so we couldn't see that much. But it was nice to get away for a little while. Whitefish was really neat. Nate and I splurged on dinner at a nice place. I had the prime rib and he had ribs. It was nice except for the fact that I felt guilty most of the trip for not doing my homework. Oh well. It was a little late, but whatever... we only get a point on it, and it isn't even "graded." :P I'm going to go home and read a lot. Toot-a-loo!

My lifeline, my connection, my love

2007-09-09T13:58:00.000-06:00

I love the internet. While some people say that it creates more hassle for them, for me, it is my lifeline. It helps to connect me to the world, and I love experiencing that connection. When the connection is good, it brings me even more joy. I can multitask like no one's business! I can have five tabs running and I stay on top of each one. However, when it is slow or even nonfunctioning, it makes me so frustrated. I guess I can't be that upset though because it is a free connection. But if that is one of the reasons why you attract people to your business, and it is then unreliable? I'm sorry. I was just a little frustrated because I needed to submit an assignment by a certain time and the internet was on the fritz. That is why we are getting our very own connection at the house sometime soon. Therefore, I will be able to keep up to date on here! See, you benefit from being connected too!

Damn Pearl Jam inspired desire!

2007-08-31T11:21:00.000-06:00

One of my first favorite songs by Pearl Jam was "Wishlist." I heard it almost every night as I was falling to sleep and I think that's how I remembered it so well. Years would pass since that first encounter and I finally got to see Pearl Jam in October 2000. I had just turned 16, but didn't have my driver's license yet. My boyfriend (at the time) and I drove to Milwaukee, stood in freezing ass weather (on the bootleg E.V. makes a reference to the cold...pretty accurate, too), listened to great music, went back to our hotel with a 24 hour pool, got my leopard print slippers stolen, drove part way back, climbed up some limestone bluffs, made our mark, drove the rest of the way home.

Anyways, whenever I feel certain desires I think of that song. For instance the most recent time was the other day when I was foolishly looking for a parking spot in the streets around campus. It is a given that I'll have to walk at least several blocks no matter where I park because of Residential parking areas that I can't park in (without getting a ticket). However, I had to pass up several spots because I was too afraid of trying to park/dock my almost 18' boat, "Madame C. Victoria." The song came into my head and I inserted "smaller car" where ever appropriate. Needless to say, I docked..er... parked on a far pier so I didn't have to worry about parallel parking the behemoth boat. On my ferry into land, an ever so cute and little red scooter zoomed by... further developing my rage and desire.

I could let this desire pick away at me and turn me into a bitter and angry person, but I think it will be more constructive if I plan...plan on buying my own scooter!!! **Evil laughter escapes me** I have budgeted to put $150 in savings and I can concurrently afford to put at least the same amount in my very own retirement account! Of course I wouldn't touch the retirement account, but I'm planning for that too, so I'm not foolishly wasting my money on a scooter. (I'll probably save the money in gas for the summer!) I don't know where else to go with this. I always have enlightening moments on my walks into campus, I should maybe write them down while I'm walking. I'll do that next time so I don't leave myself and a reader in a "where is the ending" mode.

Less than a week

2007-08-20T19:06:00.000-06:00

Even though I have been "employed" by St. Pat's for more than a week, I've only been working for a week. So far, I'm very excited for this opportuniity. I'll be working on the NeuroBehavioral Medicine Inpatient unit. Today was my first day of on the floor orientation. My job seems to be fairly easy with bouts of random craziness thrown in. The only thing that seems challenging is distinguishing that fine line between CNA care and nursing student care. Being a student first has definitely taught me the role of HCA/US and why what they do is important. I guess it gave me (a newbie to the hospital setting) a great understanding of the infrastructure roles everyone needs to play to ensure that a floor runs smoothly.

to be continued

Life in a Bubble

2007-08-06T14:14:00.000-06:00

Or more precise, a smoke bubble. I would rather breathe thick particulated air than lose my home, though.

A form of prostitution -just with more paperwork

2007-07-27T15:04:00.001-06:00

No matter how you try and categorize it, selling yourself (for any reason) just seems down right unethical. Sure there are blatant violators of ethical code in prostitution, but what about the legal versions of selling yourself? What about selling an egg, sperm, or even plasma? It is amazing how much money the companies can pay... or is it? (Now, if I had done my research, this is where I would've thrown astronomical figures at you about how much profit these body buyers earn each quarter. But, I didn't.)

Regardless, they are paying you way less for your own body than they are making off of you. Yeah, yeah, "it is your choice" and "they have O&M fees they have to pay as well" and "insert your own defense here". My point in all of this little rant is ...? Well, I don't really know. I was bound and determine today to go and "donate" plasma (or so the people at Biolife like to say). But instantly I had second thoughts. Having donated blood before to seemingly noble causes, I know all of the steps. I was even wishing that my Hct level wouldn't be good enough to pass. (The reason why I usually get turned away.) Once I found out I passed (40%, a new record). I told myself to suck it up and I'll be fine, and I would never have to do it again if I didn't want. Just get my sixty bucks and be on my merry way.... HOWEVER... during my "physical" it was disclosed that I would only earn a measly $20 for my pint o' plasma.... TWENTY DOLLARS!!! But on my next visit within the week, I would earn the additional $40. Somewhere in there I mentioned having seen an add for an extra ten dollars, and the lady asked me if I brought the coupon with me, and I hadn't, and she said that their system was going to change over the next week where you would only get $25 and $25. Therefore we worked up this little "plan" where I would just finish out my physical, and I would come back on Monday with my coupon, and "donate" again on Friday before the pay change. So, I got some blood drawn to be tested. And I'm going to "go back" on Monday with my extra ten dollar coupon...

As I'm writing this, it doesn't seem that bad. I could sell my plasma to them twice and I would get paid $75.... next week. But, I really don't like to get poked and giving my blood to vampires. So, I resisted this urge to get paid for my body, and searched out real jobs more aggressively.

Mac fan

2007-07-26T11:29:00.000-06:00

Mac vs. PC (south park version) - Watch more free videos

"B" is for Bored; "L" is for Lazy

2007-07-25T20:25:00.000-06:00

What Ashlee Means

A is for Adventurous

S is for Silky

H is for Hot

L is for Luxurious

E is for Explosive

E is for Enlightened

What Does Your Name Mean?

You Are From Jupiter

You are exuberantly curious - and you love to explore newness.
Enthusiastic and optimistic, you get a kick out of stimulating intellectual discussions.
Foreign cultures and languages fascinate you. You love the outdoors, animals, and freedom.
Chances are you tend to exaggerate, so try to keep a lid on that.
If you do, you'll continue to be known for your confidence, generosity, and sense of justice.

What Planet Are You From?

You Are a Cherry Jelly Bean

Sweet yet strong, you have a distinct personality without being a weirdo. You're the most normal of all flavors - but you're never boring.

What Flavor Jelly Bean Are You?

The Coolest Computer Application since Oregon Trail!!!

2007-07-25T19:35:00.001-06:00

Okay, well, Dyno Park Tycoon and Number Munchers were always a blast. Here are some "stitched" photos courtesy of PhotoStitch from Canon. I used to do this with paper originals, but they were always too big to fit in my photo albums. I was very excited when I found out that I could do it with my digitals, too, but without all of the tedious Photoshop maneuvering. You might need to open them up to see what they really look like.

Coming into Estes Park the "back way."

Leaving Telluride as the storm breaks.

Interesting tidbit... yes, that is snow. Yes, we were there in late May. I have another picture of Telluride, but looking the other way. I'll post it with more road trip pictures.

You've seen the Grand Canyon once, you've pretty much seen it all... we did miss one part, though. I can't understand why this one curves. Natural curvature of the Earth?? Probably not.

Minnesota Pictures

2007-07-25T09:45:00.000-06:00

Blue Heron Nests

Miss Kashmira

Only in Montana

2007-07-25T09:19:00.000-06:00

I've found that there are some things that I'll probably only get to experience in Montana. One day last spring this was proved to me. I was driving down Reserve when charging at me was a giant furry thing in the back of a truck. The fur ball was huge! As it got closer I was able to see that it was not just a giant fur ball, but a gigantic replica of a stuffed grizzly or brown bear. Where esle in the states is it "cool" to have life size replicas of animals adorning your 10,000 square foot "mountain cottage"? On the same note, just the other day I saw another stuffed animal being transported, this one though was either a deer or elk. I couldn't really tell because I didnt' get that close of a look at the antlers. That wouldn't be that big of a deal, but like the bear, it was huge!! I didn't realize they made them that big... ;) Some other things that I've loved experiencing in Montana have the been the beautiful sunsets...even just the sky. I took these pictures from our balcony. I'm so lucky to live somewhere where it is this beautiful.

The pending storm

All bark and no bite... it quickly broke up. The little dot is a life flight heli.

Greener pastures and modified chip boards?

2007-07-17T11:20:00.000-06:00

I retired my hit counter and FeedBlitz options. The number was interesting to see, but out of the 835 hits, I'm sure I accounted for at least 400. And, I was the only one to use the FeedBlitz. I found this ClustMap from Mandi's blog and hired it on the spot. After pretending like I know what I'm doing in the "Edit Template" zone, I HTMLed that littled guy right in there and viola!! it worked! It will be reset monthly, and I think you'll be able to click on it for a bigger picture. We girls always like to think of the bigger picture. (Not quite sure if that makes sense, but I thought it could sound good, but maybe for someone else. I'll think about it and hopefully something more snappy comes to my mind.) Over the summer I've been divulging in *Guilty Pleasures.* Reading, silly! I read the book Evening and I'll get around to seeing the movie. I just read a Nicholas Sparks pleasure, and found that everyone else in Missoula must have the same idea because now they are all checked out!!! I grabbed the Fountainhead, but its daunting size discourages me. I guess I just want something where my mind doesn't really have to think or wonder or learn. I'll equate it to playing a video game. Very engaging but not very enlightening.

The case of the magically floating rock

2007-07-13T13:49:00.000-06:00

(This is a work of semi-fiction. Names, charaters, places, and incidents are partly the product of the author's imagination or are used semi-fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is partly coincidental.)

I was at Joe's house engaged in light conversation with his sister. (We had always gotten along really well; even better than my own sister at times.) She had answered her cell, so I was noticing how the surroundings had changed since my last visit. New trinkets adorned old shelves. New shelves were constructed to house old trinkets. Pictures I had seen a million times as well as many more I had never seen. People growing older, people becoming a little bit slower, people who still had a brilliant smile because they were so absolved in their surrounding.... wait a second, I do remember that picture, but not with that same content. I stepped in for a closer look. What I saw made me giggle under my breath at first. It was a picture of Joe and me with the rocks we had found. Joe was gleaming with pride over his rocks and my rock was mysteriously floating. It must have been magic or something. I distinctly remember when that picture was taken, and it wasn't magic! I WAS HOLDING THE DANG ROCK!! But, what happened to my body? Carefully and undiscreetly removed from the picture; it was gone. (However, my fingertips were still around the rock.)

Needless to say I left Joe's sister shortly thereafter. A little hurt and perplexed by what I had seen. I guess that's what happens when people step out of other's lives....you are literally 'out of the picture.'

Expectations

2007-07-13T13:23:00.000-06:00

I wrote this one night in Minnesota.

I’ve definitely begun to have really low expectations of people. I do this because if they don’t meet the higher ones I’ve set for them, I can’t be as disappointed. For instance if someone says that they would like to spend time with you, but consistently makes up pathetic excuses as to why they can’t, if you expect them to ditch you, you won’t be as upset when they go back on their word. However, maybe this behavior is only worsening the situation because they learn that there will be no “penalties” if they don’t follow through on what they say. On the other hand, punishment shouldn’t be a factor in why they follow through. They should do it because they want to.

I have found myself on the other side of this argument many times (especially while being in Minnesota). Promising to call when I know I won’t get around to it; screening a phone call because I don’t want to talk to the person (honestly doesn’t happen that much); and wishing sometimes I could really get into a conversation with a person but I know that in the two minutes that I have before we run out of small talk I’m still considered an outsider (even if I knew the person since 6th grade or even Kindergarten). Maybe I come off as not being genuinely interested, maybe they feel they don’t have enough time, maybe they are only on their way to getting more drunk and I’m really not worth their time.

Even though, I have learned from being on the other side of the fence that most of the time I have flaked out on people I usually end up wishing I would have spent more time with them than wasting it on trying to think of pathetic excuses. The good thing is people are around. With current technology people can be contacted at any time through any medium. I could send an email to their phone or a text message to their email. I still prefer the old fashioned snail mail, though.

I’m not sure how this has evolved from me being upset with people and their actions to me being upset with myself over the same actions. But maybe since I can see it from both sides, I won’t be such a flake and people won’t set low expectations for me, when in actuality I’m really just setting low expectations of myself.

oooooooofffffff da!

2007-06-21T09:57:00.000-06:00

(Pronounced like the "o" sound in moon for anyone not versed in northern Minnesota lingo.) I pretyped the following entry and that's why it is all over the place and so long.

Here I am, sitting on a dock in northern Minnesota. I am without internet access, like usual, and I have been dieing to write something — anything. Kashmira is pacing about, trying to find a comfortable spot to lie down, the mosquitoes and gnats are annoying even with the deet covering my skin, tree frogs croak in an uncoordinated but beautiful symphony, cars zoom by on the distant highway expressing their urgency. I’m trying to find a spot to start, however there have been so many things I want to write about so this will probably end up being a conglomerate of tangents I have pondered while staying here.

Parts of me hate coming back here, I would love to detail every single reason why and a rebuttal for why I ignore it and come anyways, but this is a blog, not a book, and it all seems pointless in the end. I love seeing people but it always seems disappointing in the end. Either I’m disappointed in some way, or they are.

I can’t believe that Tony is really getting married. I saw his brother, sister-in-law, and niece, and everything was awkward in ways I never imagined. I obviously didn’t forecast things being how they used to be, but I thought that it would be warmer. However, it is mutual, I didn’t know what to say to them, and they to me. (My deet suddenly became penetrable, that may be why Kashmira is pacing like she is.) Honestly, I am happy for him because I know that she makes him feel in ways I never could. And, it was really apparent to me why we aren’t together. This probably relates to that damn Type A personality disorder, but I feel that I failed. I think of one the main things that Tony told me when I asked him why he liked her, and he said that she smiles and has a good time. I also think that this trait contributed to the fall of other relationships that I’ve had. But can I help it? The time that I think I developed that part of my personality was when everything in my family life was totally screwed. I started to hold this nonchalant façade so I could deal with everything and maintain a “normal” looking life. (Who would’ve ever guessed?) Unfortunately I think that carried over into even now, and that may be why people think I’m more mature than the normal twenty-two year old. I don’t know how to show more emotions. Maybe this isn’t such a bad thing because I know that when I do express them, they are more heartfelt.

Now, though, my family is amazing. I can’t believe how much better life is. I have had home cooked meals available to me every night. It is kind of funny how it works, too. Whoever is in the kitchen is the chef. Everyone gets a job, and the system is understood. And everyone loves the system. And great food comes out of the system.

"Reality killed the pop up video." Seriously, pop-up video was the best show on TV…right alongside Rescue 911, and Unsolved Mysteries….and the mini movies on Lifetime. I don’t care who you are, I think you deserve a little bit of privacy, and I don’t want to be bombarded by your drama. Doesn’t everyone have enough drama in their own lives without engaging in a foreign person’s drama? If you are drama free, why would you want to add meaningless drama to your life? However, maybe that is what this is too? A blog is a just a different media for displaying my “real life” drama. I guess my drama isn’t that interesting though because I'm not getting paid for it like the movie stars are. I am paid in personal gratification, though. I have somewhere to unload my thoughts and feelings when there isn't anywhere else to turn to.

I'm going to separate this into another post or else it will be too long.

Hormones or finals?

2007-05-05T15:56:00.000-06:00

Today was pretty rough. I've been trying to study since 11, and in between little twerp high schoolers invading the campus and annoying college students gabbing about how they are "in the library studying" on their cell phone, my collectiveness has escaped me. I was trying to send something to the printer in the library and for one, they don't use the printer punch cards used every where else on campus, and for two, I couldn't get the damn thing to send to the right printer. I almost broke down right there...over a stupid research article that I was trying to print?

Then, I avoided going to the lab in the UC because I STILL can't get my password to work. This is driving me insane. Thankfully the guy at the desk wrote down his password and username for me. Now, I'm going to go home and make some sushi and then try to study again. I don't think I was that productive the first time because I can't find a very conducive spot to study in.

I miss MSU.

Paper what?!

2007-05-04T17:37:00.000-06:00

I was going to try and stay away, but I like to think this helps my brain to unload information so new can be picked up. We heard that one of the beliefs on Alzheimers was that you just have so many memories and it is hard for the brain to make new ones so it overloads and frys out. I think it was for Alzheimer's, but maybe it was for some other neurological function (evidence of mental overload....).

Yesterday, I was in the bookstore because I ran out of paper to write notes on. I had this insatiable urge to buy paper. I have a ton of loose binder paper at my house, but it doesn't do me any good there when I'm in the study zone *now* at school. Whether my indecisiveness was due to the plethora of expensive notebooks or my brain was in the frazzled zone I mentioned above, I'm not quite sure. I'm contributing it to my newfound paper connoiseurship. I think all students become connoiseurs of very odd and seemingly unimportant things while in school. (I'm not sure about the general workforce because I haven't had enough back-to-back time in one 'profession'.)

Myself, I like particular pens, erasers, and paper. I know Nate is picky about pens (not the same ones that I like thank goodness), marking pens, mouses, and chairs. I've also realized that I analyze spaces I'm in to determine whether or not they are conducive to studying. Take for instance the coffee shop that I love to go to (because of my afternoon caffeine addiction and their free internet service), it really isn't that conducive to studying for me. It is noisy, and I get easily distracted, however, I can surf the internet with ease and get homework done that needs me to have access to my computer. Unfortunately most of it doesn't.

Back to the paper, though. I like bright white paper that is a little thicker than average paper, but it can't be too glossy or shiny that will make my pens look irridescent or hard to read. It is calming in a sense when I use the pens that I love (BIC's Cristal Gel, only found in the bookstore at MSU...I'm dead serious, I've checked everywhere else for them) on smooth paper. The pens just glide on it so smoothly and it takes a second for the ink to dry, it is like writing with a very very tiny paintbrush. The strokes are so smooth and fluid, and if you stall on a certain part of your stroke the pen lets down a little more ink, in the same sense, if you systematically lift the pen off the paper as you're finishing a word it leaves it looking wispy like the word wants to fly off the paper. I can't really paint like this with a real paint brush, but I can "paint" with my pen, and that helps me connect my brain hemispheres and really focus on my homework. Okay, I've spent (wasted more or less) an hour on this and I have to overload my brain some more before the night is over.

T minus: 4 days 18 hours and 30 minutes

week of nonhell

2007-04-30T16:47:00.000-06:00

I'm going to take a more optimistic approach to this year's usually stressful and hectic week. I have a powerpoint presentation due on Wednesday (I'm trying to keep on it...), two teacher evaluations on Wednesday (one that needs a paper pulled out from some orifice), and then......the f-word.... Finals. Two on Monday, one on Tuesday, and then (hopefully) the easiest one on Wednesday to wrap it up. My lease expires on the 10th, so, in the midst, I'm trying to pack everything. I did get a bigger storage unit, so I'm on my way. I'm planning on making sushi for a break from studying this weekend and, I'm going to try my hardest to refrain from writing in here until it is over. So, until then.... may the force be with you .... (and also with me).

T minus 8 days: 19 hours until school is over for the semester!

Hearing vs. Sanity

2007-04-22T17:23:00.000-06:00

At what point does your hearing take precedence over your sanity? Take for instance, a bunch of high schoolers in a relatively quiet and peaceful coffee shop that find the only spot to sit is next to you? I've turned my headphones up to the point where I'll probably sufffer long term hearing loss, and I STILL CAN'T DROWN THEM OUT... maybe it is time to take a break.

I was on my way out the door, and then they left!!! The girl behind me commented after they left, "Thank god! I didn't know how much more I could take." I'm not the only demanding one around here.

My memory kicked in

2007-04-21T18:08:00.000-06:00

I wanted to write about somethings I didn't think it was possible ever to be good at or things I never thought I could feel. One, I am on my way to becoming a professional at stuffing a salad box from the UC on UM's campus. Unlike Bozeman, they don't charge per the ounce of salad, instead, they charge a flat fee of $4.50 for a large container. I have learned that you need to put alternating layers of salad foods and dressing in so you can ensure an even distribution. And, it doesn't say any where that your box has to be able to close, so heap on oh heapers. I haven't reached the Egyptian pyramid level of heaping yet, but I'm definitely on my way!

This town makes me feel guilty for driving. As I should be, too. I could ride my bike if I liked to risk life and limb whenever I hop on my bike. And, if I wasn't so much of a wimp... (it is too cold out; I have a lot of places to go; it is too far; I don't have enough time; and so on). However, I don't drive to class because I would have to park just as far away as I would have to walk.

Okay, so maybe that's all I can think of for now. I have been on a beeding kick lately, and I'm going to make a necklace for my mommy for mother's day. I think it is going to be a little too "chunky" for her, though. I found a beautiful cut agate stone that is about 1"x1.5", and I wanted to incorporate some dangling chains with small beads on it, and put it on a double or triple seed bead strands. I also made a wirey necklace for myself. I think it is pretty, but is it really that practical? Am I going to wear it? I always feel awkward in jewelry if it isn't discrete, but personally I think the stuff is beautiful especially when it is big. I'm going to include a note to my mom that if it is too big for her, we can work on it and she shouldn't feel obligated to wear it. (You know how moms are though, she's going to say, "Oh it's beautiful, honey!" But she won't want to wear it. I guess that's where I get it from.) I'm also planning on making a light loopy necklace with crystals. Hopefully I can work up the courage to wear that one.

p.s. I can't find any pictures on the internet for a triple/double stranded necklace with a pendant that are like what i want to do. I need some ideas for stringing the stone onto the strands. I might just create a wrapped loop and go over all of the strands. I like the ones that connect the pendant with a stranded little loops, though. We'll see what happens, and I'm going to post pictures once I get my camera back from Nate, or I go to Bozeman.

April twentieth, two thousand and seven

2007-04-20T15:47:00.000-06:00

I always think of elaborate posts I want to create, and find myself forgetting once I finally get to my computer. I know I wanted to comment on my ER rotation, it was a blast! I actually felt like a nurse in training rather than a peon. I got to give three shots, two of subcutaneous epinephrine. (One of the nurses on shift said I would be the coolest student, because it is a rare circumstance that you get to give sub-q epi)....I'm still waiting for that coolness to set in. Definitely did not help me on my return demonstration.

...Which I failed. Not entirely, but pretty much. I felt like a failure and being an overacheiving perfectionist, failing just doesn't go over well with me. I was miserable the rest of the day, I even got to the point where I was thinking what else I would do if I wasn't able to be a nurse. I was going to try and end the day on a postitive note, I was going to get dollar sushi and play in a pool tournament.

However it was turning into one of those days when nothing goes right. I left my house at 5, thinking that an hour and a half would be plenty of time to get across town, eat some sushi, and get back in time. BIG MISTAKE!! Traffic was insane and it took me 45 minutes just to get across town. Don't ask why I didn't just take the interstate, because I honestly didn't think it was that bad at first. Once I finally got to Nara, it was packed, and I didn't think I would get served in time. So, I left for the tourney, which turned out to be cancelled. And I had eaten a crappy tuna sandwhich thinking that I would be in a tournament for a long time. Anyways, I got some sushi from the GFS, and I felt better until I realized that it was 8 on an essentially Friday night, and I was playing solitaire on my ipod, alone, waiting for it to be time that I could go to bed. Talk about lame. I ended up doing some of my dishes that had been accumulating from the previous clinical week. FUN FUN!!

On a definitely more positive note, I've found some awesome podcasts. One, Acoustic Long Island, has introduced me to many new upncoming artists that are very talented. If you're ambitious, check out John Flor, Stephanie Smith, and Debra Fotheringham on myspace. They all have CD's and are amazing. (I do plan on getting some CD's once I find myself richer).

I'm getting more excited to go to Minnesota. Emily called me this morning to tell me that Tool is coming to St.Paul on 6-26-07, and that tickets go on sale tomorrow. Haley Bonar has a show on May 31st in Minneapolis, and another there in July. Looks like the one in July is an outdoor festival... hmmm : )

Modified summer plans

2007-04-08T14:32:00.001-06:00

Due to financial and time constraints, we have modified our summer road trip plans. Our initial plans were to go to Las Vegas and over to California up Hwy. 1, however, it is much more important if Nate graduates rather than make enough money for this trip. We don't have to be in Vegas until the 16, with my last final on the 9th at 10, I think we should have enough time to venture over to Colorado before play starts. I want to check out this:

Nate says he doesn't want to go on it... WHAT A CHICKEN! The stops on the map are kind of hard to distinguish. So far we plan on going to Boulder and Denver to see the cities (CO is the only state in the west I've never been to...). I want to drive to Breckenridge and then take a road south to Salida and then we might go over to Telluride where Nate is doing his thesis. Then, I found some articles about some Aztec Ruins in New Mexico near the Four Corners area. I would also like to go to Glen Powell Rec. Area, but I'm not sure if that will work. I do want to go through Flagstaff and check out some sites around there. Then, the skywalk bridge over the Grand Canyon is at Peach Springs, AZ which is conveniently on the way to Las Vegas...imagine that, it is like destiny or something. I definitely would like to get some feedback on places or things to check out that are along our route. I still plan on going to San Diego with or without Nate. He thinks he might want to practice for pool during the week that we would go. We'll see what happens. My dad also wants to see if I'm going to race with him over one of the weekends. I have no clue.... the summer is so short. I plan on flying back to Bozeman on the 30th, and then taking off for Minnesota that day, and being there by the weekend of June 1/2.