It keeps on pouring

I had to have another meeting with my instructor over the entire key incident/ how I'm doing. And, well, simply, I'm a failure. Yes, you heard it correctly...this overachieving perfectionist is literally failing because she refuses to do things half assed. Everyone else should not fret though, because I'm what's known to my instructor as "the only one" who is not comfortable with being thrown to the wolves. And the only one who is "failing" because I don't know anything about babies. I have read the chapters, and looked at the stupid clinical companion, and I don't know why it isn't connecting. Even still, I look back at what I've highlighted and asked, "I read this?"

The jist of my "let's rub everything in, because it's fun, and makes students cry and feel worthless" meeting was essentially just that. Okay, we already had this discussion, can we move on...? No, absolutely not. But I understand that you feel like I'm worthless. Can I just be done with it? No, at least once in your entire school career (if you pass), you have to question why you're here and why you want to continue on. That ideal you held about why you wanted to subject yourself to 4+ years of schooling do do what you thought you were cut out to do was absolutely bullshit.

What it comes down to though, is I'm me, I'm not other students, we all don't function at the same level, I'm sorry I'm stupid sometimes. Isn't everyone? Aren't we all just humans? Sorry, I forgot instructors/professors aren't human (even though you've also made your share of stupid mistakes).

When it rains…

It has been a hard week, and I’m having a hard time putting my finger on it so I can deal with it appropriately. I feel lost in my clinical rotation. I’m not organized. I forget little things. I know Jack. (We’re actually great friends… oh you don’t know him? His last name is Crap.) I’m behind on a lot of stuff.

I forgot to return keys the other day, and I think that is what definitely put me in this mindset. I felt on the verge yesterday, but I’m not sure on what type. I didn’t know if I wanted to just quit right there, cry, or scream. I feel like my instructor hates me or thinks I’m some inferior because I don’t ask for help, and because I’m not as enthusiastic about this rotation. I don’t know, I guess I just can’t read her. At this point, it isn’t about a grade, that comes with homework. (If I ever get around to reading all twenty fricken chapters). It is about feeling acceptance or approval of what I’m doing, and for it to be okay if I don’t know everything. Isn’t that why they are there? I’m paying you to help me, to guide me, to teach me. Not to throw me to the wolves and wonder why I don’t know how to survive.

To make matters worse, it seems like I’m the only one who feels like this. I must have missed the memo that we were kicked out from under the wing early.

Nate and I are going to Glacier National Park this weekend. I think it will be a great break, but I could use the valuable time to catch up on my reading. Oh well. I think this semester it will be okay if I slack off. I did well enough last year that I gave myself a nice cushion to absorb the stress I put on myself to get good grades.

Well, this post spent a couple days on my desktop. Glacier was fun. It was kind of hazy so we couldn't see that much. But it was nice to get away for a little while. Whitefish was really neat. Nate and I splurged on dinner at a nice place. I had the prime rib and he had ribs. It was nice except for the fact that I felt guilty most of the trip for not doing my homework. Oh well. It was a little late, but whatever... we only get a point on it, and it isn't even "graded." :P I'm going to go home and read a lot. Toot-a-loo!

My lifeline, my connection, my love

I love the internet. While some people say that it creates more hassle for them, for me, it is my lifeline. It helps to connect me to the world, and I love experiencing that connection. When the connection is good, it brings me even more joy. I can multitask like no one's business! I can have five tabs running and I stay on top of each one. However, when it is slow or even nonfunctioning, it makes me so frustrated. I guess I can't be that upset though because it is a free connection. But if that is one of the reasons why you attract people to your business, and it is then unreliable? I'm sorry. I was just a little frustrated because I needed to submit an assignment by a certain time and the internet was on the fritz. That is why we are getting our very own connection at the house sometime soon. Therefore, I will be able to keep up to date on here! See, you benefit from being connected too!

Damn Pearl Jam inspired desire!

One of my first favorite songs by Pearl Jam was "Wishlist." I heard it almost every night as I was falling to sleep and I think that's how I remembered it so well. Years would pass since that first encounter and I finally got to see Pearl Jam in October 2000. I had just turned 16, but didn't have my driver's license yet. My boyfriend (at the time) and I drove to Milwaukee, stood in freezing ass weather (on the bootleg E.V. makes a reference to the cold...pretty accurate, too), listened to great music, went back to our hotel with a 24 hour pool, got my leopard print slippers stolen, drove part way back, climbed up some limestone bluffs, made our mark, drove the rest of the way home.

Anyways, whenever I feel certain desires I think of that song. For instance the most recent time was the other day when I was foolishly looking for a parking spot in the streets around campus. It is a given that I'll have to walk at least several blocks no matter where I park because of Residential parking areas that I can't park in (without getting a ticket). However, I had to pass up several spots because I was too afraid of trying to park/dock my almost 18' boat, "Madame C. Victoria." The song came into my head and I inserted "smaller car" where ever appropriate. Needless to say, I docked..er... parked on a far pier so I didn't have to worry about parallel parking the behemoth boat. On my ferry into land, an ever so cute and little red scooter zoomed by... further developing my rage and desire.

I could let this desire pick away at me and turn me into a bitter and angry person, but I think it will be more constructive if I plan...plan on buying my own scooter!!! **Evil laughter escapes me** I have budgeted to put $150 in savings and I can concurrently afford to put at least the same amount in my very own retirement account! Of course I wouldn't touch the retirement account, but I'm planning for that too, so I'm not foolishly wasting my money on a scooter. (I'll probably save the money in gas for the summer!) I don't know where else to go with this. I always have enlightening moments on my walks into campus, I should maybe write them down while I'm walking. I'll do that next time so I don't leave myself and a reader in a "where is the ending" mode.

Less than a week

Even though I have been "employed" by St. Pat's for more than a week, I've only been working for a week. So far, I'm very excited for this opportuniity. I'll be working on the NeuroBehavioral Medicine Inpatient unit. Today was my first day of on the floor orientation. My job seems to be fairly easy with bouts of random craziness thrown in. The only thing that seems challenging is distinguishing that fine line between CNA care and nursing student care. Being a student first has definitely taught me the role of HCA/US and why what they do is important. I guess it gave me (a newbie to the hospital setting) a great understanding of the infrastructure roles everyone needs to play to ensure that a floor runs smoothly.


to be continued

Life in a Bubble

Or more precise, a smoke bubble. I would rather breathe thick particulated air than lose my home, though.

A form of prostitution -just with more paperwork

No matter how you try and categorize it, selling yourself (for any reason) just seems down right unethical. Sure there are blatant violators of ethical code in prostitution, but what about the legal versions of selling yourself? What about selling an egg, sperm, or even plasma? It is amazing how much money the companies can pay... or is it? (Now, if I had done my research, this is where I would've thrown astronomical figures at you about how much profit these body buyers earn each quarter. But, I didn't.)

Regardless, they are paying you way less for your own body than they are making off of you. Yeah, yeah, "it is your choice" and "they have O&M fees they have to pay as well" and "insert your own defense here". My point in all of this little rant is ...? Well, I don't really know. I was bound and determine today to go and "donate" plasma (or so the people at Biolife like to say). But instantly I had second thoughts. Having donated blood before to seemingly noble causes, I know all of the steps. I was even wishing that my Hct level wouldn't be good enough to pass. (The reason why I usually get turned away.) Once I found out I passed (40%, a new record). I told myself to suck it up and I'll be fine, and I would never have to do it again if I didn't want. Just get my sixty bucks and be on my merry way.... HOWEVER... during my "physical" it was disclosed that I would only earn a measly $20 for my pint o' plasma.... TWENTY DOLLARS!!! But on my next visit within the week, I would earn the additional $40. Somewhere in there I mentioned having seen an add for an extra ten dollars, and the lady asked me if I brought the coupon with me, and I hadn't, and she said that their system was going to change over the next week where you would only get $25 and $25. Therefore we worked up this little "plan" where I would just finish out my physical, and I would come back on Monday with my coupon, and "donate" again on Friday before the pay change. So, I got some blood drawn to be tested. And I'm going to "go back" on Monday with my extra ten dollar coupon...

As I'm writing this, it doesn't seem that bad. I could sell my plasma to them twice and I would get paid $75.... next week. But, I really don't like to get poked and giving my blood to vampires. So, I resisted this urge to get paid for my body, and searched out real jobs more aggressively.

Mac fan

Mac vs. PC (south park version) - Watch more free videos

"B" is for Bored; "L" is for Lazy

What Ashlee Means

A is for Adventurous S is for Silky H is for Hot L is for Luxurious E is for Explosive E is for Enlightened

What Does Your Name Mean?

You Are From Jupiter

You are exuberantly curious - and you love to explore newness. Enthusiastic and optimistic, you get a kick out of stimulating intellectual discussions. Foreign cultures and languages fascinate you. You love the outdoors, animals, and freedom. Chances are you tend to exaggerate, so try to keep a lid on that. If you do, you'll continue to be known for your confidence, generosity, and sense of justice.

What Planet Are You From?

You Are a Cherry Jelly Bean

Sweet yet strong, you have a distinct personality without being a weirdo. You're the most normal of all flavors - but you're never boring.

What Flavor Jelly Bean Are You?

The Coolest Computer Application since Oregon Trail!!!

Okay, well, Dyno Park Tycoon and Number Munchers were always a blast. Here are some "stitched" photos courtesy of PhotoStitch from Canon. I used to do this with paper originals, but they were always too big to fit in my photo albums. I was very excited when I found out that I could do it with my digitals, too, but without all of the tedious Photoshop maneuvering. You might need to open them up to see what they really look like.

Coming into Estes Park the "back way."


Leaving Telluride as the storm breaks.

Interesting tidbit... yes, that is snow. Yes, we were there in late May. I have another picture of Telluride, but looking the other way. I'll post it with more road trip pictures.

You've seen the Grand Canyon once, you've pretty much seen it all... we did miss one part, though. I can't understand why this one curves. Natural curvature of the Earth?? Probably not.

Minnesota Pictures

Blue Heron Nests




Miss Kashmira

Only in Montana

I've found that there are some things that I'll probably only get to experience in Montana. One day last spring this was proved to me. I was driving down Reserve when charging at me was a giant furry thing in the back of a truck. The fur ball was huge! As it got closer I was able to see that it was not just a giant fur ball, but a gigantic replica of a stuffed grizzly or brown bear. Where esle in the states is it "cool" to have life size replicas of animals adorning your 10,000 square foot "mountain cottage"? On the same note, just the other day I saw another stuffed animal being transported, this one though was either a deer or elk. I couldn't really tell because I didnt' get that close of a look at the antlers. That wouldn't be that big of a deal, but like the bear, it was huge!! I didn't realize they made them that big... ;) Some other things that I've loved experiencing in Montana have the been the beautiful sunsets...even just the sky. I took these pictures from our balcony. I'm so lucky to live somewhere where it is this beautiful.

The pending storm


All bark and no bite... it quickly broke up. The little dot is a life flight heli.

Greener pastures and modified chip boards?

I retired my hit counter and FeedBlitz options. The number was interesting to see, but out of the 835 hits, I'm sure I accounted for at least 400. And, I was the only one to use the FeedBlitz. I found this ClustMap from Mandi's blog and hired it on the spot. After pretending like I know what I'm doing in the "Edit Template" zone, I HTMLed that littled guy right in there and viola!! it worked! It will be reset monthly, and I think you'll be able to click on it for a bigger picture. We girls always like to think of the bigger picture. (Not quite sure if that makes sense, but I thought it could sound good, but maybe for someone else. I'll think about it and hopefully something more snappy comes to my mind.) Over the summer I've been divulging in *Guilty Pleasures.* Reading, silly! I read the book Evening and I'll get around to seeing the movie. I just read a Nicholas Sparks pleasure, and found that everyone else in Missoula must have the same idea because now they are all checked out!!! I grabbed the Fountainhead, but its daunting size discourages me. I guess I just want something where my mind doesn't really have to think or wonder or learn. I'll equate it to playing a video game. Very engaging but not very enlightening.

The case of the magically floating rock

(This is a work of semi-fiction. Names, charaters, places, and incidents are partly the product of the author's imagination or are used semi-fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is partly coincidental.)

I was at Joe's house engaged in light conversation with his sister. (We had always gotten along really well; even better than my own sister at times.) She had answered her cell, so I was noticing how the surroundings had changed since my last visit. New trinkets adorned old shelves. New shelves were constructed to house old trinkets. Pictures I had seen a million times as well as many more I had never seen. People growing older, people becoming a little bit slower, people who still had a brilliant smile because they were so absolved in their surrounding.... wait a second, I do remember that picture, but not with that same content. I stepped in for a closer look. What I saw made me giggle under my breath at first. It was a picture of Joe and me with the rocks we had found. Joe was gleaming with pride over his rocks and my rock was mysteriously floating. It must have been magic or something. I distinctly remember when that picture was taken, and it wasn't magic! I WAS HOLDING THE DANG ROCK!! But, what happened to my body? Carefully and undiscreetly removed from the picture; it was gone. (However, my fingertips were still around the rock.)

Needless to say I left Joe's sister shortly thereafter. A little hurt and perplexed by what I had seen. I guess that's what happens when people step out of other's lives....you are literally 'out of the picture.'

Expectations

I wrote this one night in Minnesota.

I’ve definitely begun to have really low expectations of people. I do this because if they don’t meet the higher ones I’ve set for them, I can’t be as disappointed. For instance if someone says that they would like to spend time with you, but consistently makes up pathetic excuses as to why they can’t, if you expect them to ditch you, you won’t be as upset when they go back on their word. However, maybe this behavior is only worsening the situation because they learn that there will be no “penalties” if they don’t follow through on what they say. On the other hand, punishment shouldn’t be a factor in why they follow through. They should do it because they want to.

I have found myself on the other side of this argument many times (especially while being in Minnesota). Promising to call when I know I won’t get around to it; screening a phone call because I don’t want to talk to the person (honestly doesn’t happen that much); and wishing sometimes I could really get into a conversation with a person but I know that in the two minutes that I have before we run out of small talk I’m still considered an outsider (even if I knew the person since 6th grade or even Kindergarten). Maybe I come off as not being genuinely interested, maybe they feel they don’t have enough time, maybe they are only on their way to getting more drunk and I’m really not worth their time.

Even though, I have learned from being on the other side of the fence that most of the time I have flaked out on people I usually end up wishing I would have spent more time with them than wasting it on trying to think of pathetic excuses. The good thing is people are around. With current technology people can be contacted at any time through any medium. I could send an email to their phone or a text message to their email. I still prefer the old fashioned snail mail, though.

I’m not sure how this has evolved from me being upset with people and their actions to me being upset with myself over the same actions. But maybe since I can see it from both sides, I won’t be such a flake and people won’t set low expectations for me, when in actuality I’m really just setting low expectations of myself.