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Thursday, June 21, 2007

oooooooofffffff da!

(Pronounced like the "o" sound in moon for anyone not versed in northern Minnesota lingo.) I pretyped the following entry and that's why it is all over the place and so long.

Here I am, sitting on a dock in northern Minnesota. I am without internet access, like usual, and I have been dieing to write something — anything. Kashmira is pacing about, trying to find a comfortable spot to lie down, the mosquitoes and gnats are annoying even with the deet covering my skin, tree frogs croak in an uncoordinated but beautiful symphony, cars zoom by on the distant highway expressing their urgency. I’m trying to find a spot to start, however there have been so many things I want to write about so this will probably end up being a conglomerate of tangents I have pondered while staying here.

Parts of me hate coming back here, I would love to detail every single reason why and a rebuttal for why I ignore it and come anyways, but this is a blog, not a book, and it all seems pointless in the end. I love seeing people but it always seems disappointing in the end. Either I’m disappointed in some way, or they are.

I can’t believe that Tony is really getting married. I saw his brother, sister-in-law, and niece, and everything was awkward in ways I never imagined. I obviously didn’t forecast things being how they used to be, but I thought that it would be warmer. However, it is mutual, I didn’t know what to say to them, and they to me. (My deet suddenly became penetrable, that may be why Kashmira is pacing like she is.) Honestly, I am happy for him because I know that she makes him feel in ways I never could. And, it was really apparent to me why we aren’t together. This probably relates to that damn Type A personality disorder, but I feel that I failed. I think of one the main things that Tony told me when I asked him why he liked her, and he said that she smiles and has a good time. I also think that this trait contributed to the fall of other relationships that I’ve had. But can I help it? The time that I think I developed that part of my personality was when everything in my family life was totally screwed. I started to hold this nonchalant fa├žade so I could deal with everything and maintain a “normal” looking life. (Who would’ve ever guessed?) Unfortunately I think that carried over into even now, and that may be why people think I’m more mature than the normal twenty-two year old. I don’t know how to show more emotions. Maybe this isn’t such a bad thing because I know that when I do express them, they are more heartfelt.

Now, though, my family is amazing. I can’t believe how much better life is. I have had home cooked meals available to me every night. It is kind of funny how it works, too. Whoever is in the kitchen is the chef. Everyone gets a job, and the system is understood. And everyone loves the system. And great food comes out of the system.

"Reality killed the pop up video." Seriously, pop-up video was the best show on TV…right alongside Rescue 911, and Unsolved Mysteries….and the mini movies on Lifetime. I don’t care who you are, I think you deserve a little bit of privacy, and I don’t want to be bombarded by your drama. Doesn’t everyone have enough drama in their own lives without engaging in a foreign person’s drama? If you are drama free, why would you want to add meaningless drama to your life? However, maybe that is what this is too? A blog is a just a different media for displaying my “real life” drama. I guess my drama isn’t that interesting though because I'm not getting paid for it like the movie stars are. I am paid in personal gratification, though. I have somewhere to unload my thoughts and feelings when there isn't anywhere else to turn to.

I'm going to separate this into another post or else it will be too long.

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