Saturday, September 22, 2007

Keeping things in perspecitive

I absolutely love my job. I work with wonderful people who are very intuitive and great at what they do. I know I've only worked there for a month, but, it may turn out to be an area that interests me. I always feel so empowered and confident when I leave, it makes me hate to leave sometimes! The nurses (male and female) always offer insight and love to be teachers. It is comforting to have people understand where you're at, and will give you keys to succeed and thrive.

It also feels great when you can feel like you're making a difference in a patient's life. Being in a mental health institution is a very delicate and impressionable time in someone's life. Because of my age, I feel like I helped to reach out to an adolescent and hopefully gave her someone to look up to. It may be an egotistical notion, but it feels right.

Experiencing these feelings helped rejuvenate my drive and initiative to not allow myself to fail, and I'm going to do everything in my powers to help ensure that I don't. I'm making a list and checking it twice, finding out what's going to get me to pass, and submitting it to my instructor. I have a plan. I'm going to make this work, so I better end this post! I needed to release the three cups of hot chocolate/coffee I had at work at 2100.

Friday, September 21, 2007

It keeps on pouring

I had to have another meeting with my instructor over the entire key incident/ how I'm doing. And, well, simply, I'm a failure. Yes, you heard it correctly...this overachieving perfectionist is literally failing because she refuses to do things half assed. Everyone else should not fret though, because I'm what's known to my instructor as "the only one" who is not comfortable with being thrown to the wolves. And the only one who is "failing" because I don't know anything about babies. I have read the chapters, and looked at the stupid clinical companion, and I don't know why it isn't connecting. Even still, I look back at what I've highlighted and asked, "I read this?"

The jist of my "let's rub everything in, because it's fun, and makes students cry and feel worthless" meeting was essentially just that. Okay, we already had this discussion, can we move on...? No, absolutely not. But I understand that you feel like I'm worthless. Can I just be done with it? No, at least once in your entire school career (if you pass), you have to question why you're here and why you want to continue on. That ideal you held about why you wanted to subject yourself to 4+ years of schooling do do what you thought you were cut out to do was absolutely bullshit.

What it comes down to though, is I'm me, I'm not other students, we all don't function at the same level, I'm sorry I'm stupid sometimes. Isn't everyone? Aren't we all just humans? Sorry, I forgot instructors/professors aren't human (even though you've also made your share of stupid mistakes).

Sunday, September 16, 2007

When it rains…

It has been a hard week, and I’m having a hard time putting my finger on it so I can deal with it appropriately. I feel lost in my clinical rotation. I’m not organized. I forget little things. I know Jack. (We’re actually great friends… oh you don’t know him? His last name is Crap.) I’m behind on a lot of stuff.

I forgot to return keys the other day, and I think that is what definitely put me in this mindset. I felt on the verge yesterday, but I’m not sure on what type. I didn’t know if I wanted to just quit right there, cry, or scream. I feel like my instructor hates me or thinks I’m some inferior because I don’t ask for help, and because I’m not as enthusiastic about this rotation. I don’t know, I guess I just can’t read her. At this point, it isn’t about a grade, that comes with homework. (If I ever get around to reading all twenty fricken chapters). It is about feeling acceptance or approval of what I’m doing, and for it to be okay if I don’t know everything. Isn’t that why they are there? I’m paying you to help me, to guide me, to teach me. Not to throw me to the wolves and wonder why I don’t know how to survive.

To make matters worse, it seems like I’m the only one who feels like this. I must have missed the memo that we were kicked out from under the wing early.

Nate and I are going to Glacier National Park this weekend. I think it will be a great break, but I could use the valuable time to catch up on my reading. Oh well. I think this semester it will be okay if I slack off. I did well enough last year that I gave myself a nice cushion to absorb the stress I put on myself to get good grades.

Well, this post spent a couple days on my desktop. Glacier was fun. It was kind of hazy so we couldn't see that much. But it was nice to get away for a little while. Whitefish was really neat. Nate and I splurged on dinner at a nice place. I had the prime rib and he had ribs. It was nice except for the fact that I felt guilty most of the trip for not doing my homework. Oh well. It was a little late, but whatever... we only get a point on it, and it isn't even "graded." :P I'm going to go home and read a lot. Toot-a-loo!

Sunday, September 09, 2007

My lifeline, my connection, my love

I love the internet. While some people say that it creates more hassle for them, for me, it is my lifeline. It helps to connect me to the world, and I love experiencing that connection. When the connection is good, it brings me even more joy. I can multitask like no one's business! I can have five tabs running and I stay on top of each one. However, when it is slow or even nonfunctioning, it makes me so frustrated. I guess I can't be that upset though because it is a free connection. But if that is one of the reasons why you attract people to your business, and it is then unreliable? I'm sorry. I was just a little frustrated because I needed to submit an assignment by a certain time and the internet was on the fritz. That is why we are getting our very own connection at the house sometime soon. Therefore, I will be able to keep up to date on here! See, you benefit from being connected too!