Friday, April 14, 2006

My future and "taking different paths"

I have been researching graduate schools for nursing (even though I won't graduate for another 2 years). Most of the ones I have found require experience, but I have found one in San Diego that doesn't, and they have a Pediatric Program, but lately I've been researching Family Care instead. I'm pretty optimistic about this school. They are ranked in the top 10% of Graduate Nursing Programs. Here is the link if one would like to check it out for themselves:

I've been trying to figure out why I like California, and here are the only reasons I can come up with. I want to be somewhere that is beautiful (the coast or mountains), warm, and populated. I love the fact that it will be so diverse, and there are going to be little authentic restaurants in remote areas, that I have to know Spanish (I'll have a better motivation to learn it), and I can walk to the beach from the campus! I'm not scared for my safety because if one takes the proper precautions it will be okay. But, I'm not too sure about the weather and how hot it actually gets in the summer, and it seems like an important person in my life would rather me not move there.

I'm getting frustrated with that aspect, and I know what I should do, but why can't I? do I think that maybe I'll find some renowned college in an area that I want to be? Am I just being very quick to make a decision even though it is how many years away? But right now I'm experiencing things with him that I don't ever want, and I wonder how it has come to this? Have I allowed it too much? Yes. But am I the one in the wrong? Am I just over analyzing a few minor things like name calling and ego bashing and lack of enthusiasm? Am I just in search of a person who I can dominate? NO. I already had that and obviously it didn't work. I just feel so confused some times when he is a jerk. And this isn't something new. I don't like the way he flipped out over very small things, apologized and said that he would never be like that again, but now I can see that coming through? Am I just wanting to see it? Am I anticipating it? Why dont' I want to make Easter dinner any more?

I was so excited to make turkey and maybe a ham and truly mashed potatoes and a cheesecake and deviled eggs and steamed brocoli and cauliflower with cheese sauce. ( I didn't know what else to do for a vegetable.) I was even going to try my luck with gravy. My mom used to make it a lot, and I remember how she did it, you take the drippings from whatever it is that you cooked, thin it out with a little bit of water, add flour or cornstarch and whisk like crazy until you have the consistency you want (of course thinning or thickening as needed). But, I didn't feel the desire from him. Damn it, can't I once have something that is important to me and even if you don't want it pretend like you do? Have you forgotten my birthday already? Thanks.

I think it would be the best decision to take different paths with you. I don't even know what I'm waiting for. Maybe for you to treat me better. My actions towards you are a direct reflection of how you are to me. I understand that this may be just creating a cycle, but how can I try if you dont'? Anyways, back to San Diego. I don't really know what I want to ultimately do. I do want to be able to have my own business, and I forgot to mention that you can get an MSN/MBA from this school. This school fits me so much it is almost frightening. I was thinking about going there next spring break to check it out. That way I can learn about the setting (as was the case with the university in San Jose). Well, the library is going to close in approximately 7 minutes and 24 seconds, and they'll kick me out. Hopefully the SUB is open.


the important one said...

I think you need to do what you need to do. I don't want to drag this on, if you are going to do this then do it. I'm sorry i can't give you what you need, but i can't spend all of my free time with you i also need space. It is not to be away from you, but everyone just needs space for themselves. And somehow the little time i do spend doing my thing you get frustrated at me, i feel guilty and i know i shouldn't. If you want to talk about this then approach me, if you are over talking then we need to get on with our lives.

bearfeet said...

I don't care if you don't want to spend all of your time with me. I got pissed off at you because you had played a stupid f*ing video game for 12 hours. 12 HOURS, oh important one, and then you didn't want to do anything with me. What I need is someone who loves me more than that.