Blog turns 2

Upon waking, I experienced a revelation. Not only did I remember that my blog was now two, but I realized why I have failed in the past. I have been extremely negative, and about what I don't know (actually it was probably about everything). It makes me wonder where I'd be if I just lightened up more often. However, there's no sense in regretting my behavior because it will only continue to make me bitter and I'll miss out on what I have.

On that note, Nate and I went snowboarding twice so far this season. That is two times as much as we went last season!! The first time we went up to Snowbowl which is not very far from Missoula. This past time we went to Lookout Pass which is on the Idaho side of I-90. I couldn't believe how much snow they had! In one spot, the snow was up to my mid thigh! Thankfully I was blowing through it on my snowboard and not trying to hike in it! They were also very cheap and on Pacific Standard Time!! I was pretty bummed because I thought we got a late start and the roads were crappy, but when we got there we saw the Pacific Time sign and everything seemed better. We plan on making a trip to Schweitzer, but Nate has to get on that so I am able to take the time off.

Hopefully we'll be able to make a trip down to Big Sky at least once this season. I love the feeling that Big Sky gives me. I love riding their awesome snow, and it is so huge that you can explore a new trail every time you're there. To top it off, sitting in the Carabiner lounge drinking a Salmon Fly Honey Ale, spiced Apple Cider, or delicious hot chocolate completes the day and melts all of your sore muscles away.

Lately, Nate and I have been discussing living life in a ski town. It really sounds fantastic because we'll be able to keep doing the things that we love to do. However, ski towns usually don't have the good paying jobs, even for us 'professionals'! And we'll both have loans that need to be paid. I guess we'll just see where life takes us!

27 days & 20 hours

of freedom from papers, tests, and 6:30 labs! Nate and I went snowboarding to celebrate. I did good enough in my classes, and I'm fine with that.

I began my first book to read for fun over the break. It is called "The Significance of Children and Animals." I picked it up when I was looking for references for a paper. I'll probably also find an easy to read Nicholas Sparks novel. I love to read cheesy romance novels, and he's the best I've found.

As one might assume, I think my brain has shut off. I wanted to write, but now that I'm here nothing makes sense.

The end is very near

We have class tomorrow, one final Monday, and the last final on Tuesday. Very very exciting, but I feel as if I've already taken my finals and have nothing else to do with my time! Huge mistake on my part! I've barely studied, and I know I need to. But, I can't really find a place that is conducive to studying. I'll probably rotate around town visiting the places that sometimes work, but only during their quiet times.

It is frustrating. On a much better note, though, I had a great experience at work the other night. A lady with a chronic debilitating disease joined us. I was honored to have enough time to sit with her and listen. It is experiences like this, that remind me why I am doing what I do. This lady almost had me in tears several times, and I'm not entirely sure why right now. It is just that I really felt like that is where I was supposed to be, and that is where she needed to be. It is interesting how lives intertwine at the most critical moments and something remarkable and beautiful happens because of it.

Enlightenment aside, it still won't help me prove the mindless knowledge I learned from my books and classes. I know it is very important to have a strong understanding of the pathophysiology of disease and dis-ease, but how can they test you on the things that really matter? Okay, I'll leave until after finals to write a hallelujah piece.

3000 ... not 300

For those of you who are directed here because you want to know how many pages a 3000 word essay is, the text equals out to about 10 pages, 12 point font, double spaced, with one inch margins. Additionally, a 10,000 word essay equals out to about 32 pages of text with 12 point font, double spaced, with one inch margins.

Hope this helps you with your endeavor, and please feel free to click on the "Resolution" title above to read my current entries. Thank you and good luck!

I just finished an assignment for my most exciting class. That is a glorious feeling. When I started this project I had visions of bullets and straight to the point sentences dancing in my head. Oh how I was sadly mistaken when this tedious project turned into a 3000 word paper! If I were to leave it at 12-point-double-spaced-less-than-one-inch-margin settings it would waste 10 sheets of bright white paper. I would love to leave it in the one and a half spacing that I write in and 11 point font to only use 6 pages of paper, but one of the criterion for the paper is double-spaced... do you think she would notice? Or better yet... would it really matter? Less room to write comments in my pretty!!!!

Okay, I'm probably going crazy. No matter how many pages I format it too, this stupid assignment worth one fifth of my grade, took 3000 words to "sum up". That is a short novel according to when I was piece paid as a newspaper writer. Towards the end of my paper (okay probably when I was at the 300 word mark...), I could feel my grammatical reasoning slip. Words and punctuation just didn't fit together, I couldn't even spell! I relied on my fingers remembering how to spell out words, and typing anything that was close enough to get picked up and fixed by Word. See, I'm still having problems. I needed to debrief and take pride in my accomplishment, though. Not only did I finish this assignment, I finished the Denver II write-up (what a piece of cake! I like instructors who say "NO MORE THAN ONE PAGE!") and I submitted my care plan in ahead of schedule (as opposed to waiting for that deadline and forcing it to come out of my brain).

I agree with Mandi when she writes, "It's strange - no amount of disappointment or self loathing has had any effect on my terrible procrastination habit" (2007) ;). I wish and swear that next time will be different. I could be on top of it and have final assignments done two weeks early. I can turn off Alton Brown and get off my lazy butt to exercise. I'll get around to picking up my dirty-but-not-really-dirty laundry in that heap on my floor. Hm... looks like my problem not only is with school but that's how I am in general. Why is it so hard to change this habit?

I'm feeling that homework hangover start. (Probably the result of too much caffeine, not enough glucose, and the call of my nest (a fluffy down comforter)). Yup... those 3000 words really made me crazy. On a better note, IT SNOWED!!! Maybe a whole 3-5 inches so far! Nate and I went for a nice evening stroll in the first real snowfall. I had to save my sanity somehow!

Never thought I would be

I'm overwhelmed by feelings of fear. I don't want to do certain things because I'm too scared. But, it is a different kind of scared.

For instance, I'm scared that no matter how well I'm trained and able to do my job, something will still go wrong, and I'll hurt someone and I'll be sued. That's all it is. I was looking into NICU jobs, but then I got too scared to want to go into that field because of the high rate of malpractice suits. Then I was thinking adult critical care, and I was frightened again. Ped's-no. Oncology-no. ER-I have no idea. Maybe I should just go and pass meds in a nursing home.

I don't know what to do except wait patiently for this uncomfortable feeling to pass, and keep on doing the best I can at building a strong base of knowledge and understanding. For now, I'll just wait for my stomach to untie these awful knots it wrapped itself in.

I've had a couple of ideas that I wanted to post before I forgot them, so, as I wait to go to bed (Nate is cleaning), I'll take this opportunity to post.

I've been on a very strange food kick. I'm becoming more adventurous and trying recipes that look and sound great, but things that I've never tried before with ingredients I've never used. I thought exploring this unfamiliar territory would be exciting, but it has left me with a bad taste in my mouth (literally... not the usual metaphorical example). I made a daring spaghetti squash with a nice cream and mushroom and goat cheese sauce that turned out extraordinarily bland. It is still sitting in the fridge, half eaten. I also did Mexican macaroni, a recipe I never really knew but thought I could pull off. Even though I thought it was fine, it was a little off. The cheese melted funny and was granular instead of stringy. I also didn't use stewed tomatoes so there were chucks of tomatoes, and I can never really tell when pasta is adequately done.... My latest flop were pumpkin cookies with cream cheese frosting. They were okay... not spectacular. The frosting was great, but not the best snack food around. The cookies just aren't sweet enough. It is like a minicake. They just don't suffice a craving for cookies. I'm going to try an eggplant pasta on Tuesday... we'll see how that goes. I'm sick of knowing only a couple of good recipes. I want to learn new recipes that I can make and that taste great. I could look at this positively in the aspect that I've succeeded at finding several recipes that don't work so well for me.

In perspective, though, that doesn't seem very important when I consider what other people have to deal with. At work, I wish I had all the right answers. I wish I knew what to do with all of our patients, but then I'm torn because I don't know if I should even be doing something that a nurse normally would since I'm only an HCA (and nurse *cough*cough*..superhero... in training). But it kills me to just sit and do nothing. One nurse did complement me on how well I was able to calm and redirect one of our younger clients. (More to come later... I am going to bed regardless of the cleaning time).

Only 65% of an addict

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I definitely had to answer yes to the "do you blog instead of doing other things you have to do like studying for an exam."

Switching gears

Yesterday was my sister's birthday. She turned 20. On Thursday, we had guest speakers from Mountain Home speak to our class. Moutain Home is a place for pregnant teenage girls who are homeless or otherwise disendowed. This experience so close to my sister's birthday created a great flux of emotions within me... as my sister's son will turn 4 in November; her daughter, 2 in December.

My family has tried to help my sister so much: given her money when needed, a place to enjoy family company, transportation to and from appts, even offering a free place to live. However, she refuses to use the last resource to her and her children's benefit. She was evicted from her last apartment because it was infested both by bugs and drugs. She didn't cause it to be like this. However, it was in the terms of her lease and she knowingly accepted. She has a different apartment now and continues to live hand to mouth.

As one might detect, this is a painful topic for me because it is impossible for me to understand my sister's reasoning for staying in Vegas with virtually nothing. But, has my anger and frustration caused me to treat my sister less than I would a stranger I met in the hospital?

For instance, if a teenager presented herself to me in a clinical setting and had many of the same characteristics as my sister, I wouldn't think twice about finding her help, giving her the tools she needed to get on her feet, and helping her make a positive change in her life. With my sister, I have mentioned stuff to her, and expected if she really wanted to change, she would do it. She would find the resources she needed in her area and get on with it. With internet access, I probably have an easier time trying to find resources for her. Why am I waiting?

I think I just don't want to be upset by her. With someone else, I don't have to see her and be hurt by her the rest of my life. It hurts because I know what she could have become. It hurts because she is so damn stubborn for reasons that she refuses to fully understand. It hurts because she is only letting a horrible cycle continue.

I am going to find some information for her and leave it up to her and leave it at that... yeah right, but I can hope that she is still in that immature adolescent stage and consequence/benefit/abstract operational thinking is still developing. (Adolescent stage goes from 12-25...)

Keeping things in perspecitive

I absolutely love my job. I work with wonderful people who are very intuitive and great at what they do. I know I've only worked there for a month, but, it may turn out to be an area that interests me. I always feel so empowered and confident when I leave, it makes me hate to leave sometimes! The nurses (male and female) always offer insight and love to be teachers. It is comforting to have people understand where you're at, and will give you keys to succeed and thrive.

It also feels great when you can feel like you're making a difference in a patient's life. Being in a mental health institution is a very delicate and impressionable time in someone's life. Because of my age, I feel like I helped to reach out to an adolescent and hopefully gave her someone to look up to. It may be an egotistical notion, but it feels right.

Experiencing these feelings helped rejuvenate my drive and initiative to not allow myself to fail, and I'm going to do everything in my powers to help ensure that I don't. I'm making a list and checking it twice, finding out what's going to get me to pass, and submitting it to my instructor. I have a plan. I'm going to make this work, so I better end this post! I needed to release the three cups of hot chocolate/coffee I had at work at 2100.

It keeps on pouring

I had to have another meeting with my instructor over the entire key incident/ how I'm doing. And, well, simply, I'm a failure. Yes, you heard it correctly...this overachieving perfectionist is literally failing because she refuses to do things half assed. Everyone else should not fret though, because I'm what's known to my instructor as "the only one" who is not comfortable with being thrown to the wolves. And the only one who is "failing" because I don't know anything about babies. I have read the chapters, and looked at the stupid clinical companion, and I don't know why it isn't connecting. Even still, I look back at what I've highlighted and asked, "I read this?"

The jist of my "let's rub everything in, because it's fun, and makes students cry and feel worthless" meeting was essentially just that. Okay, we already had this discussion, can we move on...? No, absolutely not. But I understand that you feel like I'm worthless. Can I just be done with it? No, at least once in your entire school career (if you pass), you have to question why you're here and why you want to continue on. That ideal you held about why you wanted to subject yourself to 4+ years of schooling do do what you thought you were cut out to do was absolutely bullshit.

What it comes down to though, is I'm me, I'm not other students, we all don't function at the same level, I'm sorry I'm stupid sometimes. Isn't everyone? Aren't we all just humans? Sorry, I forgot instructors/professors aren't human (even though you've also made your share of stupid mistakes).

When it rains…

It has been a hard week, and I’m having a hard time putting my finger on it so I can deal with it appropriately. I feel lost in my clinical rotation. I’m not organized. I forget little things. I know Jack. (We’re actually great friends… oh you don’t know him? His last name is Crap.) I’m behind on a lot of stuff.

I forgot to return keys the other day, and I think that is what definitely put me in this mindset. I felt on the verge yesterday, but I’m not sure on what type. I didn’t know if I wanted to just quit right there, cry, or scream. I feel like my instructor hates me or thinks I’m some inferior because I don’t ask for help, and because I’m not as enthusiastic about this rotation. I don’t know, I guess I just can’t read her. At this point, it isn’t about a grade, that comes with homework. (If I ever get around to reading all twenty fricken chapters). It is about feeling acceptance or approval of what I’m doing, and for it to be okay if I don’t know everything. Isn’t that why they are there? I’m paying you to help me, to guide me, to teach me. Not to throw me to the wolves and wonder why I don’t know how to survive.

To make matters worse, it seems like I’m the only one who feels like this. I must have missed the memo that we were kicked out from under the wing early.

Nate and I are going to Glacier National Park this weekend. I think it will be a great break, but I could use the valuable time to catch up on my reading. Oh well. I think this semester it will be okay if I slack off. I did well enough last year that I gave myself a nice cushion to absorb the stress I put on myself to get good grades.

Well, this post spent a couple days on my desktop. Glacier was fun. It was kind of hazy so we couldn't see that much. But it was nice to get away for a little while. Whitefish was really neat. Nate and I splurged on dinner at a nice place. I had the prime rib and he had ribs. It was nice except for the fact that I felt guilty most of the trip for not doing my homework. Oh well. It was a little late, but whatever... we only get a point on it, and it isn't even "graded." :P I'm going to go home and read a lot. Toot-a-loo!

My lifeline, my connection, my love

I love the internet. While some people say that it creates more hassle for them, for me, it is my lifeline. It helps to connect me to the world, and I love experiencing that connection. When the connection is good, it brings me even more joy. I can multitask like no one's business! I can have five tabs running and I stay on top of each one. However, when it is slow or even nonfunctioning, it makes me so frustrated. I guess I can't be that upset though because it is a free connection. But if that is one of the reasons why you attract people to your business, and it is then unreliable? I'm sorry. I was just a little frustrated because I needed to submit an assignment by a certain time and the internet was on the fritz. That is why we are getting our very own connection at the house sometime soon. Therefore, I will be able to keep up to date on here! See, you benefit from being connected too!

Damn Pearl Jam inspired desire!

One of my first favorite songs by Pearl Jam was "Wishlist." I heard it almost every night as I was falling to sleep and I think that's how I remembered it so well. Years would pass since that first encounter and I finally got to see Pearl Jam in October 2000. I had just turned 16, but didn't have my driver's license yet. My boyfriend (at the time) and I drove to Milwaukee, stood in freezing ass weather (on the bootleg E.V. makes a reference to the cold...pretty accurate, too), listened to great music, went back to our hotel with a 24 hour pool, got my leopard print slippers stolen, drove part way back, climbed up some limestone bluffs, made our mark, drove the rest of the way home.

Anyways, whenever I feel certain desires I think of that song. For instance the most recent time was the other day when I was foolishly looking for a parking spot in the streets around campus. It is a given that I'll have to walk at least several blocks no matter where I park because of Residential parking areas that I can't park in (without getting a ticket). However, I had to pass up several spots because I was too afraid of trying to park/dock my almost 18' boat, "Madame C. Victoria." The song came into my head and I inserted "smaller car" where ever appropriate. Needless to say, I docked..er... parked on a far pier so I didn't have to worry about parallel parking the behemoth boat. On my ferry into land, an ever so cute and little red scooter zoomed by... further developing my rage and desire.

I could let this desire pick away at me and turn me into a bitter and angry person, but I think it will be more constructive if I plan...plan on buying my own scooter!!! **Evil laughter escapes me** I have budgeted to put $150 in savings and I can concurrently afford to put at least the same amount in my very own retirement account! Of course I wouldn't touch the retirement account, but I'm planning for that too, so I'm not foolishly wasting my money on a scooter. (I'll probably save the money in gas for the summer!) I don't know where else to go with this. I always have enlightening moments on my walks into campus, I should maybe write them down while I'm walking. I'll do that next time so I don't leave myself and a reader in a "where is the ending" mode.

Less than a week

Even though I have been "employed" by St. Pat's for more than a week, I've only been working for a week. So far, I'm very excited for this opportuniity. I'll be working on the NeuroBehavioral Medicine Inpatient unit. Today was my first day of on the floor orientation. My job seems to be fairly easy with bouts of random craziness thrown in. The only thing that seems challenging is distinguishing that fine line between CNA care and nursing student care. Being a student first has definitely taught me the role of HCA/US and why what they do is important. I guess it gave me (a newbie to the hospital setting) a great understanding of the infrastructure roles everyone needs to play to ensure that a floor runs smoothly.


to be continued

Life in a Bubble

Or more precise, a smoke bubble. I would rather breathe thick particulated air than lose my home, though.