Cadence

"Man, just let me sleep"



"I can't hear you"



"May I help you?"





We put his ear in a splint in hopes that it would stand up like the other one. We took it out the next day and it eventually stood up, but then the other folded over. When he wasn't lazy or really focusing on something they would both stand up. It was so cute. Little Radar Dog.

These picks were taken when he was about 10/11 weeks old. When he was 13 weeks, he was starting to get a mohawk of dark fur down the top of his head to his back, and the other fur lightened up. On his shoulders he was also starting to show white fur in the rich black fur, it made him look like a porcupine.

The pup

In March, Nate got us a puppy from New Mexico, a beautiful German Shepherd. Even though he was a little timid from the beginning, he eventually warmed up and gained self confidence. He was a little rascal most times when we were together, always trying to bite my arm off or run laps in the house. I took him for walks and adventures to the duck pond where he involuntarily swam once, and of course to Cooper Park where he loved to play with all of the other dogs. He was so handsome. His markings were starting to show much better and his coat was sleek and ever so soft. But he died last night.

I haven't been able to stop crying since this morning when the vet called to tell me that he didn't make it through the night. 12 hours of balling. Nate joked and said that if I keep crying my eyes would swell shut. I just don't get it, yesterday morning and Saturday night he was perfectly fine. He was bouncing off the walls even though we went for three walks on Saturday, and Sunday morning was the same story. Sunday I brought him to Nate's and hung out for a while, around 3 I went home for two hours, two lousy hours, I came back and something was not right with him. He was very unresponsive and very lethargic. I checked his gums and they were paper white. We called the vet almost immediately and I brought him in. He puked and collapsed at the vet's office. The vet checked him and thought that he might have Parvo because of the lethargy and vomiting. The white gums and decreased body temp. weren't clasic signs of it, though. She checked his blood and found that it had really high levels of some thing released by the liver. The normal range was up to 200. His was 2000. A sign of some sort of toxicity.

I held his head in my arms when they drew blood and then when they were doing the testing. He was so soft still, all he wanted to do was stay in my arms.

I was so optimistic he was going to pull through. I was 99% certain it was just a weird occurence and through proper treatment at the vet's he was going to be Cadence again.

The vet said that he smelled of onions this morning and if he had eaten any rotten onions, that could have surely attributed to his death. Who knew onions were such a danger to dogs? Who knew I was such a danger to him? I should have kept him on the leash more and cleaned out the garden and have been even sterner about him not eating things he wasn't probably supposed to have. I didn't even say good bye to him because I figured I would be able to see him again. I thought at the very worst they would call me in to review further options for some sort of treatment. Not that he would die overnight.

I also feel guilty because I had thought about giving him up. Nate didn't really want him anymore since he was a little afraid of him still. And I thought that I couldn't really care for him the way he needed to be. Cadence and I had a heart to heart and I decided that it would work. If I wouldn't have made that choice in vain he could be alive. If I would have just given him up a week earlier.

I'm such an animal killer. I killed my fish when I worked at PetsMart, my hamster died after I only had her for a year and a half, and now Cadence. Everyone better watch out, it'll be a person next. I know I'm probably exaggerating, but right now, this is just how I feel.

Hm... I love Foxtrot

I thought this was fun

You Are Kermit

Hi, ho! Lovable and friendly, you get along well with everyone you know. You're a big thinker, and sometimes you over think life's problems. Don't worry - everyone know's it's not easy being green. Just remember, time's fun when you're having flies!

The Muppet Personality Test

My future and "taking different paths"

I have been researching graduate schools for nursing (even though I won't graduate for another 2 years). Most of the ones I have found require experience, but I have found one in San Diego that doesn't, and they have a Pediatric Program, but lately I've been researching Family Care instead. I'm pretty optimistic about this school. They are ranked in the top 10% of Graduate Nursing Programs. Here is the link if one would like to check it out for themselves: http://www.sandiego.edu/academics/nursing/

I've been trying to figure out why I like California, and here are the only reasons I can come up with. I want to be somewhere that is beautiful (the coast or mountains), warm, and populated. I love the fact that it will be so diverse, and there are going to be little authentic restaurants in remote areas, that I have to know Spanish (I'll have a better motivation to learn it), and I can walk to the beach from the campus! I'm not scared for my safety because if one takes the proper precautions it will be okay. But, I'm not too sure about the weather and how hot it actually gets in the summer, and it seems like an important person in my life would rather me not move there.

I'm getting frustrated with that aspect, and I know what I should do, but why can't I? do I think that maybe I'll find some renowned college in an area that I want to be? Am I just being very quick to make a decision even though it is how many years away? But right now I'm experiencing things with him that I don't ever want, and I wonder how it has come to this? Have I allowed it too much? Yes. But am I the one in the wrong? Am I just over analyzing a few minor things like name calling and ego bashing and lack of enthusiasm? Am I just in search of a person who I can dominate? NO. I already had that and obviously it didn't work. I just feel so confused some times when he is a jerk. And this isn't something new. I don't like the way he flipped out over very small things, apologized and said that he would never be like that again, but now I can see that coming through? Am I just wanting to see it? Am I anticipating it? Why dont' I want to make Easter dinner any more?

I was so excited to make turkey and maybe a ham and truly mashed potatoes and a cheesecake and deviled eggs and steamed brocoli and cauliflower with cheese sauce. ( I didn't know what else to do for a vegetable.) I was even going to try my luck with gravy. My mom used to make it a lot, and I remember how she did it, you take the drippings from whatever it is that you cooked, thin it out with a little bit of water, add flour or cornstarch and whisk like crazy until you have the consistency you want (of course thinning or thickening as needed). But, I didn't feel the desire from him. Damn it, can't I once have something that is important to me and even if you don't want it pretend like you do? Have you forgotten my birthday already? Thanks.

I think it would be the best decision to take different paths with you. I don't even know what I'm waiting for. Maybe for you to treat me better. My actions towards you are a direct reflection of how you are to me. I understand that this may be just creating a cycle, but how can I try if you dont'? Anyways, back to San Diego. I don't really know what I want to ultimately do. I do want to be able to have my own business, and I forgot to mention that you can get an MSN/MBA from this school. This school fits me so much it is almost frightening. I was thinking about going there next spring break to check it out. That way I can learn about the setting (as was the case with the university in San Jose). Well, the library is going to close in approximately 7 minutes and 24 seconds, and they'll kick me out. Hopefully the SUB is open.

A J-O-B that finally came through!

I finally got a job (well, a good paying one at least). I'll make 12/hour starting with a raise after a month. At least 40 hour work weeks with how many weeks in the summer? I figured it out earlier to about 5K for the entire summer plus p/t once school starts but I miscalculated by a lot. I will make at least $8, 000 for the whole summer after taxes! I'm pumped because then I can pay off my awesome camera, save up some money for travelling, and save for when I have to move. I am so ecstatic right now, one would might probably think that I already have the money in my pocket. The only draw back to this is that it might hurt my financial aid package. I think I'll still fall well below the line since I'm considered as an independent student. (Long story.) Nate said I should apply for a job at the local pawn shop because 'it would be easy.' And insanely boring, not to mention dangerous and I would pull my hair out trying to deal with the people that stereotypically visit them (drug addicts). I don't think I'm racist, sexist, narcist, or any of the other -ists, but I do have an extreme prejudice against druggists. Okay, I've drug you way off the beaten path... hahaha get it drug!

Oh did I mention that this job would be outside? Pulling weeds, planting flowers, trimming shrubs (it's about time I get skilled in that profession), and arranging flower pots. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) Okay, thats enough, time to FOCUS on school and this awesome 6-8 page philosophy research paper that is due on monday.

Hikin' the "M" and other news

So, I finally did it. I hiked up the M trail. For those of you who aren't familiar with Bozeman or mountain communities, they put big letters up signifying the name of the town, in our case, there is a big M on the side of the mountain that stands for "Montana State College" (it was later changed to the current name of M.S. University). Rumor has it that there is a "B" for Bozeman somewhere, but I have yet to see it. But, back to the story. The very first week that I ever came out to Montana, Tony and I had tried to hike the M trail, but only got less than half way up and were panting. We gave up, and I gave up trying again because it had kicked my butt. I think the altitude change played a major factor in why we couldn't hike this relatively easy trail.

But this afternoon, Nate and I hiked it with Cadence (pictures to follow soon). Man it was a breeze! I could not believe how much easier it had been this time around and it isn't because I'm in better shape physically just cardiovascularly. It is kind of wierd being at the M and seeing how small it actually is. From a distance, the thing looks huge! I would say that it is shorter than a two-story building.

In other interesting information, school is going to end soon. :' ( (Don't be fooled, those are not tears of sadness.) I'm ready to start my actual nursing training. I feel kind of like a poser because I haven't done anything yet. I know it will come sooner than I imagine, though. It is kind of weird because a lot of the people I started school with are going to graduate either this semester or next. It is okay though because I don't have nearly as much debt than if I wouldn't have gained MT residency and stayed "on track." I'm also excited for next semester because I'm taking two extra classes along with my first clinicals that seeem to be very interesting. One, a sign language course (Signing Exact English) is being offered for the very first time, but it teaches you up to the level that most school teachers need to have. This is something that I've always wanted to be able to do. I was actually considering going to Great Falls for U.D. because they have an elementary school for the deaf, and their hospital is more pediatric centered. (Too bad the town is so crappy and flat.) The other course I'm taking is History of War, Vietnam Era. Another one of those 300 level courses (junior standing) that 'requires' prereqs that I don't have, but I was still able to register for it. I'm debating taking this course for audit because I"m going to have 17 credits, and I would like to do well in my nursing classes. I have found that if I have a very hectic schedule, I stay on task easier and get more studying done than if I have a pansy 12 credits.

That stupid J-O-B word. Well, I didn't get that pharmacy tech spot, but then I had an in to a medical receptionist job, and a lady applied with experience, so I didn't get that job, but the doctors/owners who interviewed me said that come September when they start more research/testing with new flu vaccines they will call me up. So, I applied for another excellent job as a gardener/nursery help. Starting pay is 12/hour with a raise after a month, and an end of season bonus for .50/hour if you stay throughout the season. I find out tomorrow whether I got that job or not. I currently am working (very sporadically) for the Hampton Inn as a laundry folder. I actually like it. I'm supposed to be there to do some new type of bedding they were supposed to have in a freakin' month ago.

Pool: :' ( That is a tear of sadness. We played our big end of season tournament to see if we could get a paid trip to Las Vegas, and we lost. I played some really good pool. (Okay, there were obviously some bad shots, but overall, I did really well.) It was so close. We ended up having to play the team three times. Once in the semifinals, and twice at the final match because they had to beat us twice since we hadn't lost. I should have made my last shot on my last game. I know we would have been up more if I had, and it could have been easier, actually, I really blame myself a lot. It was an easy out. Two freakin balls with ball in hand. TWO BALLS! Made one, didn't make the one that mattered, the 8. I guess I should be a little easier on myself because this was my very first year of playing in league. I think that I will be that much better by next year, but that does me little good because I will be in Missoula for half of it! Anyways, on a side note of pool, the best male player in the state of Montana asked me to be his partner for a mixed doubles tournament. Holy cow! I honestly didn't know what to say when he asked because I didn't want to upset him... (the case of Nate and all of the tournaments we played in together) if I didn't play well. But I said yes thinking he knows what he is dealing with.

I have to do what I came to do in the library, study. I have a music theory test tomorrow. It will be easy, but I don't know which chords have certain accidentals, so I'll have to memorize them.

The second set of pictures

This last one was taken at my mom's wedding. It is my favorite picture of her and Rob. It amazes me that she found such a wonderful man after all of these years. I am so happy for both of them.

F.Gump had it wrong...

Life is like a sheet of bubble wrap. You experience people and events in life and they either pop and make a big hole or else they just kind of fizzle and make you think they are dead, and when you are searching for another bubble they make you think that they are whole, but they aren't. Those ones that fizzled just keep coming back to a kind of conciousness, but never whole again. So, which is better? Something that is resilient and even though it may never spring back to life completely, it is still 'trying,' or the things that make a big pop in your life, and the others are parasidic. They make you believe they are full of life, but in actuality they aren't.


On a side note, I have more pictures to load, but they keep saying there is an error, but the info about the pictures are the same as the ones that did load. Any suggestions?

Jackson Hole Pics

IF YOU CLICK ON THE PICTURES, IT WILL OPEN THEM UP TO A BIGGER AND BETTER SIZE!!

Finished 7/8th out of 21

I’ve talked about one of my loves considerably more than the others. This is not because I prefer one over the others; I just have felt more for it at the time. Last weekend, 3-5-07, I played in a pool tournament at the school. There were 19 guys and two girls, myself included. My first game was against a guy that I hadn’t seen around the Rec Center, Jeremiah, a banger. I didn’t play that well because I was so focused on not letting someone like that beat me. I know that I’m better than him. But, I lost my first match. Most of the tournaments I play in are double elimination, if you lose once, you are on the “losers” side and play until you lose again, then you’re out. It is nice, but you have to work even harder because once you are on the losers side, your mental game has to be so much stronger because you feel the threat of gasp being eliminated from the tourney. After I played Mr. Banger, I played a guy named B.J., a decent shot, but we kept having the 9 by the pockets so it was very distracting. I won, and then I played Hing, a friend of mine that is a great pool player. I don’t really know how I won against him. Because he should have no problem running a 9-ball rack, but he was having some minor difficulties. Next I played Mark, again, a very good shot. I shot well, but, again, I know that he should also have no problems running racks. Then I played Brent. I was up 3-0 and then it came down to the last game (it was a race to five wins). I had an easy combo on the 9, and I didn’t execute it properly. But it was the only shot I had, so, I didn’t make a bad decision as I’ve been known to make in the past, I just missed, and he won. Oh well.

When I play pool with my Women’s league team, I get to be ‘mentored’ by the best pool player in the state of Montana, Jane Plant. Jane has been trying to teach us the importance of knowing your ability and talking yourself into thinking that it doesn’t matter if we lose. Sure it may hurt our egos, but that is not what is important, you are not a “loser” just because you lost one match or game. You are also not a winner if you win. You played well, probably made some mistakes (everyone does), and kept your cool. I’ve found that to be the most helpful. After you miss a shot, you leave it at the table. Oh well. That is just something you have to work on next time. Pool comes much more easily to those that don’t push it.

This is where I have a little bit of problem with this philosophy. I don’t think that things should be waited on. I think you should actively pursue what you want. What is wrong with wanting to beat someone because you know you deserve it more than they do? But, I understand in how having that mindset that you have to win or else…can put too much pressure on you and you will ultimately fail. But, look at all the people it does work for. I suppose, though, one can actively pursue it in other ways. They can practice.

In ending, I am proud of what I did, but I’m not going to brag about it. (Not like Joel when he beat me left-handed.) I will play it off, but always remember how I did it. I kept a steady rhythm, I dared to take “low percentage shots,” safeties were a last option (I know I can also run tables, you have to be aggressive in that sense), and I wasn’t aggressive in thinking that I couldn’t lose to a certain player or that a certain player was going to beat me. I let go.

"I'd rather be dreaming..."

This morning, I woke up in the most amazing dream. I had driven back to Minnesota and stayed there for a couple days, and my mom and Rob had arranged for me to get a ride back with one of their friends that had a semi but it was closer in size to a bigger motor home with all the stuff taken out inside. I rode back with him on the same road I drove there, (much, much different from the actual road), but this time it was different. The scenery was absolutely astonishing. The trees had white barks but brilliantly colored leaves. Leaves of yellow, red, orange, purple, green. It wasn't far from the truth, but their shape and intensity of color were much different. There was this one tree that looked like a giant flower almost, it had leaves that were the size of small cars, and they had strategic holes in them, and they would open and close in the shape of a flower. On the other side of the road were mountains of all different shapes and colors, there were really tall, skinny trees behind the mountains, so tall, I couldn't see the tops. There was also a house being built in the middle of a swamp. The house was going to be huge, but it was right on a swamp... The house was Tyveked in some parts, and a skeleton in others.

What is strangest to me is how can my brain create these images that I have never seen? How in the world does it create a gigantic tree that opens and closes in a color scheme that are impossible for me to even recreate now? To me, the brain is so amazing. When I was studying it in A&P, I thought it to be neat how we can look at every other organ in our body and see and imagine how it works, but the brain is just one mass with folds, creases, and 2 different matters. I know they say it is electrical and chemical triggers, but how in the world do they work? Even the Na/K pump can be seen, and it is an electrical pump... Anyways, it just amazes me, and I can't understand it, and I don't know if anyone really does. They have theories and ideas, but nothing absolutely certain. And that whole garbage about losing brain cells is b.s. because your brain is so plastic, it can find ways to recover. Granted there are extreme cases, but if you are smart about it, your brain will continue to work just fine if not better. FYI, we read about a girl who lost half of her brain when she was young, but to this day, she still functions exactly like a person with a whole brain.

When I grow up

This may be a bit of a pipe dream, but this is how most of my ideas start out, and it isn't that unrealistic. Since I am a nursing student, I really want to go to these countries that the U.S. has ruthlessly invaded and destroyed and help the people that were hurt by their actions. The U.S. military obviously doesn't give a shit, other wise they would have already done something. I know that what the 'insurgents' are doing in retaliation of U.S. forces isn't right and our soldiers are only looking out for their best interest, but that doesn't mean innocent lives should suffer. I am sick of seeing these images of people in hospitals (if you can even call them that) laying on a bed waiting to die without any compassion. Isn't ones life supposed to be filled with love and care even up to their death, if not especially so? I have found something that I can do. It does seem a bit unrealistic just because of the current political/military situations, but this is really what I want to do. I don't want to stay here changing Depends. I don't want to become a 'lifer' right out of college. Damn it, I want to do something productive. I want to help people who truly need it. I want to become Mother Ashlee. (Minus all of that religious affiliation garbage.)


OKAY, after finding out some more information, I learned that we do actually help some of the civilians and even insurgents. Kudos to the military. I apologize for being ignorant.

Jackson Hole 1/20-22/06

First let me start by saying they had a ton of snow. I have never seen snowbanks that high. Even last year when I went to Heavenly after 19 feet of snow dumped on them, the banks weren't this high. If your car spun out of control, it would be okay because the snow banks would act as bumpers and keep you safe (relatively).

Riding in J.H. was a lot different from the usual Big Sky scene because the snow was so different. The snow at Big Sky is notorious for being called "champagne powder" because it is so light and fluffy. Jackson's snow is heavy, but in the morning it was definitely well worth it! As the day progressed and the runs got tracked out, it got a little trickier trying to get down the mountain. (I guess I have a disadvantage learning how to ride in a state that has a max vert of 500 and the only snow it ever sees is the stuff with bacteria mixed in that comes out of some strange looking fans.) That is fine because I am learning better techniques now. I will admit it is very frustrating at times because I've already worked hard at learning how five years ago! I know it will be in my best interest once I finally am able to conquer deep tracked out powder fields.

Okay, I've strayed away from my weekend. I had a blast. I brought my homework with even though I think I looked at it once (maybe twice). We got pretty drunk on Friday night (I had some awesome Margaritas at a laid back nonsmoking bar with live acoustic music), rode Jackson Hole Saturday, ate some excellent fajitas, drank a little, and passed out. Sunday we watched the bronco/steelers game... yea : P And drove home. We were going to ride some backcountry on Sunday, but it was cold and we were slackers. (There is plenty of accessible backcountry in Montana. Although, it is a little scary because of avalanches and I don't have a beacon or transceiver.) Growing up in Minnesota I really didn't think that avalanches could happen in the lower 48. In my mind they had they same existance level as the Loch Ness Monster and earthquakes in south western Montana. Even though they can be a freak occurence, they are common. (Both earthquakes and avalanches, I'm not to sure about Nessie any more.)

Before riding at Jackson, I bought a new board, an 155 Atlantis Lily. I love this board. What was I thinking riding on a 151?!

New Job : )

I am very excited for a new job as a Pharmacy Technician (In Training). It isn't for certain yet, and it would only be a temporary fill-in while another person is away on a leave of abscence. But, I think this to be an awesome opportunity to get some experience and I will have a non-commital chance to see if this is what I want to focus on doing as a part-time job. (Not to mention the pay can be great once I become certified!) I am also excited to be doing something that requires a little bit of mental apptitude and I won't be a servant at my employer's discretion (as was the case when I was a nanny/maid). I also think I'll be better prepared when it comes to passing the pharm. tech. certification exam thanks to nursing classes! I knew I was digging such a deep financial hole for a good reason.