Greener pastures and modified chip boards?

I retired my hit counter and FeedBlitz options. The number was interesting to see, but out of the 835 hits, I'm sure I accounted for at least 400. And, I was the only one to use the FeedBlitz. I found this ClustMap from Mandi's blog and hired it on the spot. After pretending like I know what I'm doing in the "Edit Template" zone, I HTMLed that littled guy right in there and viola!! it worked! It will be reset monthly, and I think you'll be able to click on it for a bigger picture. We girls always like to think of the bigger picture. (Not quite sure if that makes sense, but I thought it could sound good, but maybe for someone else. I'll think about it and hopefully something more snappy comes to my mind.) Over the summer I've been divulging in *Guilty Pleasures.* Reading, silly! I read the book Evening and I'll get around to seeing the movie. I just read a Nicholas Sparks pleasure, and found that everyone else in Missoula must have the same idea because now they are all checked out!!! I grabbed the Fountainhead, but its daunting size discourages me. I guess I just want something where my mind doesn't really have to think or wonder or learn. I'll equate it to playing a video game. Very engaging but not very enlightening.

The case of the magically floating rock

(This is a work of semi-fiction. Names, charaters, places, and incidents are partly the product of the author's imagination or are used semi-fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is partly coincidental.)

I was at Joe's house engaged in light conversation with his sister. (We had always gotten along really well; even better than my own sister at times.) She had answered her cell, so I was noticing how the surroundings had changed since my last visit. New trinkets adorned old shelves. New shelves were constructed to house old trinkets. Pictures I had seen a million times as well as many more I had never seen. People growing older, people becoming a little bit slower, people who still had a brilliant smile because they were so absolved in their surrounding.... wait a second, I do remember that picture, but not with that same content. I stepped in for a closer look. What I saw made me giggle under my breath at first. It was a picture of Joe and me with the rocks we had found. Joe was gleaming with pride over his rocks and my rock was mysteriously floating. It must have been magic or something. I distinctly remember when that picture was taken, and it wasn't magic! I WAS HOLDING THE DANG ROCK!! But, what happened to my body? Carefully and undiscreetly removed from the picture; it was gone. (However, my fingertips were still around the rock.)

Needless to say I left Joe's sister shortly thereafter. A little hurt and perplexed by what I had seen. I guess that's what happens when people step out of other's lives....you are literally 'out of the picture.'

Expectations

I wrote this one night in Minnesota.

I’ve definitely begun to have really low expectations of people. I do this because if they don’t meet the higher ones I’ve set for them, I can’t be as disappointed. For instance if someone says that they would like to spend time with you, but consistently makes up pathetic excuses as to why they can’t, if you expect them to ditch you, you won’t be as upset when they go back on their word. However, maybe this behavior is only worsening the situation because they learn that there will be no “penalties” if they don’t follow through on what they say. On the other hand, punishment shouldn’t be a factor in why they follow through. They should do it because they want to.

I have found myself on the other side of this argument many times (especially while being in Minnesota). Promising to call when I know I won’t get around to it; screening a phone call because I don’t want to talk to the person (honestly doesn’t happen that much); and wishing sometimes I could really get into a conversation with a person but I know that in the two minutes that I have before we run out of small talk I’m still considered an outsider (even if I knew the person since 6th grade or even Kindergarten). Maybe I come off as not being genuinely interested, maybe they feel they don’t have enough time, maybe they are only on their way to getting more drunk and I’m really not worth their time.

Even though, I have learned from being on the other side of the fence that most of the time I have flaked out on people I usually end up wishing I would have spent more time with them than wasting it on trying to think of pathetic excuses. The good thing is people are around. With current technology people can be contacted at any time through any medium. I could send an email to their phone or a text message to their email. I still prefer the old fashioned snail mail, though.

I’m not sure how this has evolved from me being upset with people and their actions to me being upset with myself over the same actions. But maybe since I can see it from both sides, I won’t be such a flake and people won’t set low expectations for me, when in actuality I’m really just setting low expectations of myself.

oooooooofffffff da!

(Pronounced like the "o" sound in moon for anyone not versed in northern Minnesota lingo.) I pretyped the following entry and that's why it is all over the place and so long.

Here I am, sitting on a dock in northern Minnesota. I am without internet access, like usual, and I have been dieing to write something — anything. Kashmira is pacing about, trying to find a comfortable spot to lie down, the mosquitoes and gnats are annoying even with the deet covering my skin, tree frogs croak in an uncoordinated but beautiful symphony, cars zoom by on the distant highway expressing their urgency. I’m trying to find a spot to start, however there have been so many things I want to write about so this will probably end up being a conglomerate of tangents I have pondered while staying here.

Parts of me hate coming back here, I would love to detail every single reason why and a rebuttal for why I ignore it and come anyways, but this is a blog, not a book, and it all seems pointless in the end. I love seeing people but it always seems disappointing in the end. Either I’m disappointed in some way, or they are.

I can’t believe that Tony is really getting married. I saw his brother, sister-in-law, and niece, and everything was awkward in ways I never imagined. I obviously didn’t forecast things being how they used to be, but I thought that it would be warmer. However, it is mutual, I didn’t know what to say to them, and they to me. (My deet suddenly became penetrable, that may be why Kashmira is pacing like she is.) Honestly, I am happy for him because I know that she makes him feel in ways I never could. And, it was really apparent to me why we aren’t together. This probably relates to that damn Type A personality disorder, but I feel that I failed. I think of one the main things that Tony told me when I asked him why he liked her, and he said that she smiles and has a good time. I also think that this trait contributed to the fall of other relationships that I’ve had. But can I help it? The time that I think I developed that part of my personality was when everything in my family life was totally screwed. I started to hold this nonchalant façade so I could deal with everything and maintain a “normal” looking life. (Who would’ve ever guessed?) Unfortunately I think that carried over into even now, and that may be why people think I’m more mature than the normal twenty-two year old. I don’t know how to show more emotions. Maybe this isn’t such a bad thing because I know that when I do express them, they are more heartfelt.

Now, though, my family is amazing. I can’t believe how much better life is. I have had home cooked meals available to me every night. It is kind of funny how it works, too. Whoever is in the kitchen is the chef. Everyone gets a job, and the system is understood. And everyone loves the system. And great food comes out of the system.

"Reality killed the pop up video." Seriously, pop-up video was the best show on TV…right alongside Rescue 911, and Unsolved Mysteries….and the mini movies on Lifetime. I don’t care who you are, I think you deserve a little bit of privacy, and I don’t want to be bombarded by your drama. Doesn’t everyone have enough drama in their own lives without engaging in a foreign person’s drama? If you are drama free, why would you want to add meaningless drama to your life? However, maybe that is what this is too? A blog is a just a different media for displaying my “real life” drama. I guess my drama isn’t that interesting though because I'm not getting paid for it like the movie stars are. I am paid in personal gratification, though. I have somewhere to unload my thoughts and feelings when there isn't anywhere else to turn to.

I'm going to separate this into another post or else it will be too long.

Hormones or finals?

Today was pretty rough. I've been trying to study since 11, and in between little twerp high schoolers invading the campus and annoying college students gabbing about how they are "in the library studying" on their cell phone, my collectiveness has escaped me. I was trying to send something to the printer in the library and for one, they don't use the printer punch cards used every where else on campus, and for two, I couldn't get the damn thing to send to the right printer. I almost broke down right there...over a stupid research article that I was trying to print?

Then, I avoided going to the lab in the UC because I STILL can't get my password to work. This is driving me insane. Thankfully the guy at the desk wrote down his password and username for me. Now, I'm going to go home and make some sushi and then try to study again. I don't think I was that productive the first time because I can't find a very conducive spot to study in.

I miss MSU.

Paper what?!

I was going to try and stay away, but I like to think this helps my brain to unload information so new can be picked up. We heard that one of the beliefs on Alzheimers was that you just have so many memories and it is hard for the brain to make new ones so it overloads and frys out. I think it was for Alzheimer's, but maybe it was for some other neurological function (evidence of mental overload....).

Yesterday, I was in the bookstore because I ran out of paper to write notes on. I had this insatiable urge to buy paper. I have a ton of loose binder paper at my house, but it doesn't do me any good there when I'm in the study zone *now* at school. Whether my indecisiveness was due to the plethora of expensive notebooks or my brain was in the frazzled zone I mentioned above, I'm not quite sure. I'm contributing it to my newfound paper connoiseurship. I think all students become connoiseurs of very odd and seemingly unimportant things while in school. (I'm not sure about the general workforce because I haven't had enough back-to-back time in one 'profession'.)

Myself, I like particular pens, erasers, and paper. I know Nate is picky about pens (not the same ones that I like thank goodness), marking pens, mouses, and chairs. I've also realized that I analyze spaces I'm in to determine whether or not they are conducive to studying. Take for instance the coffee shop that I love to go to (because of my afternoon caffeine addiction and their free internet service), it really isn't that conducive to studying for me. It is noisy, and I get easily distracted, however, I can surf the internet with ease and get homework done that needs me to have access to my computer. Unfortunately most of it doesn't.

Back to the paper, though. I like bright white paper that is a little thicker than average paper, but it can't be too glossy or shiny that will make my pens look irridescent or hard to read. It is calming in a sense when I use the pens that I love (BIC's Cristal Gel, only found in the bookstore at MSU...I'm dead serious, I've checked everywhere else for them) on smooth paper. The pens just glide on it so smoothly and it takes a second for the ink to dry, it is like writing with a very very tiny paintbrush. The strokes are so smooth and fluid, and if you stall on a certain part of your stroke the pen lets down a little more ink, in the same sense, if you systematically lift the pen off the paper as you're finishing a word it leaves it looking wispy like the word wants to fly off the paper. I can't really paint like this with a real paint brush, but I can "paint" with my pen, and that helps me connect my brain hemispheres and really focus on my homework. Okay, I've spent (wasted more or less) an hour on this and I have to overload my brain some more before the night is over.

T minus: 4 days 18 hours and 30 minutes

week of nonhell

I'm going to take a more optimistic approach to this year's usually stressful and hectic week. I have a powerpoint presentation due on Wednesday (I'm trying to keep on it...), two teacher evaluations on Wednesday (one that needs a paper pulled out from some orifice), and then......the f-word.... Finals. Two on Monday, one on Tuesday, and then (hopefully) the easiest one on Wednesday to wrap it up. My lease expires on the 10th, so, in the midst, I'm trying to pack everything. I did get a bigger storage unit, so I'm on my way. I'm planning on making sushi for a break from studying this weekend and, I'm going to try my hardest to refrain from writing in here until it is over. So, until then.... may the force be with you .... (and also with me).

T minus 8 days: 19 hours until school is over for the semester!

Hearing vs. Sanity

At what point does your hearing take precedence over your sanity? Take for instance, a bunch of high schoolers in a relatively quiet and peaceful coffee shop that find the only spot to sit is next to you? I've turned my headphones up to the point where I'll probably sufffer long term hearing loss, and I STILL CAN'T DROWN THEM OUT... maybe it is time to take a break.

I was on my way out the door, and then they left!!! The girl behind me commented after they left, "Thank god! I didn't know how much more I could take." I'm not the only demanding one around here.

My memory kicked in

I wanted to write about somethings I didn't think it was possible ever to be good at or things I never thought I could feel. One, I am on my way to becoming a professional at stuffing a salad box from the UC on UM's campus. Unlike Bozeman, they don't charge per the ounce of salad, instead, they charge a flat fee of $4.50 for a large container. I have learned that you need to put alternating layers of salad foods and dressing in so you can ensure an even distribution. And, it doesn't say any where that your box has to be able to close, so heap on oh heapers. I haven't reached the Egyptian pyramid level of heaping yet, but I'm definitely on my way!

This town makes me feel guilty for driving. As I should be, too. I could ride my bike if I liked to risk life and limb whenever I hop on my bike. And, if I wasn't so much of a wimp... (it is too cold out; I have a lot of places to go; it is too far; I don't have enough time; and so on). However, I don't drive to class because I would have to park just as far away as I would have to walk.

Okay, so maybe that's all I can think of for now. I have been on a beeding kick lately, and I'm going to make a necklace for my mommy for mother's day. I think it is going to be a little too "chunky" for her, though. I found a beautiful cut agate stone that is about 1"x1.5", and I wanted to incorporate some dangling chains with small beads on it, and put it on a double or triple seed bead strands. I also made a wirey necklace for myself. I think it is pretty, but is it really that practical? Am I going to wear it? I always feel awkward in jewelry if it isn't discrete, but personally I think the stuff is beautiful especially when it is big. I'm going to include a note to my mom that if it is too big for her, we can work on it and she shouldn't feel obligated to wear it. (You know how moms are though, she's going to say, "Oh it's beautiful, honey!" But she won't want to wear it. I guess that's where I get it from.) I'm also planning on making a light loopy necklace with crystals. Hopefully I can work up the courage to wear that one.

p.s. I can't find any pictures on the internet for a triple/double stranded necklace with a pendant that are like what i want to do. I need some ideas for stringing the stone onto the strands. I might just create a wrapped loop and go over all of the strands. I like the ones that connect the pendant with a stranded little loops, though. We'll see what happens, and I'm going to post pictures once I get my camera back from Nate, or I go to Bozeman.

April twentieth, two thousand and seven

I always think of elaborate posts I want to create, and find myself forgetting once I finally get to my computer. I know I wanted to comment on my ER rotation, it was a blast! I actually felt like a nurse in training rather than a peon. I got to give three shots, two of subcutaneous epinephrine. (One of the nurses on shift said I would be the coolest student, because it is a rare circumstance that you get to give sub-q epi)....I'm still waiting for that coolness to set in. Definitely did not help me on my return demonstration.

...Which I failed. Not entirely, but pretty much. I felt like a failure and being an overacheiving perfectionist, failing just doesn't go over well with me. I was miserable the rest of the day, I even got to the point where I was thinking what else I would do if I wasn't able to be a nurse. I was going to try and end the day on a postitive note, I was going to get dollar sushi and play in a pool tournament.

However it was turning into one of those days when nothing goes right. I left my house at 5, thinking that an hour and a half would be plenty of time to get across town, eat some sushi, and get back in time. BIG MISTAKE!! Traffic was insane and it took me 45 minutes just to get across town. Don't ask why I didn't just take the interstate, because I honestly didn't think it was that bad at first. Once I finally got to Nara, it was packed, and I didn't think I would get served in time. So, I left for the tourney, which turned out to be cancelled. And I had eaten a crappy tuna sandwhich thinking that I would be in a tournament for a long time. Anyways, I got some sushi from the GFS, and I felt better until I realized that it was 8 on an essentially Friday night, and I was playing solitaire on my ipod, alone, waiting for it to be time that I could go to bed. Talk about lame. I ended up doing some of my dishes that had been accumulating from the previous clinical week. FUN FUN!!

On a definitely more positive note, I've found some awesome podcasts. One, Acoustic Long Island, has introduced me to many new upncoming artists that are very talented. If you're ambitious, check out John Flor, Stephanie Smith, and Debra Fotheringham on myspace. They all have CD's and are amazing. (I do plan on getting some CD's once I find myself richer).

I'm getting more excited to go to Minnesota. Emily called me this morning to tell me that Tool is coming to St.Paul on 6-26-07, and that tickets go on sale tomorrow. Haley Bonar has a show on May 31st in Minneapolis, and another there in July. Looks like the one in July is an outdoor festival... hmmm : )

Modified summer plans

Due to financial and time constraints, we have modified our summer road trip plans. Our initial plans were to go to Las Vegas and over to California up Hwy. 1, however, it is much more important if Nate graduates rather than make enough money for this trip. We don't have to be in Vegas until the 16, with my last final on the 9th at 10, I think we should have enough time to venture over to Colorado before play starts. I want to check out this:


Nate says he doesn't want to go on it... WHAT A CHICKEN! The stops on the map are kind of hard to distinguish. So far we plan on going to Boulder and Denver to see the cities (CO is the only state in the west I've never been to...). I want to drive to Breckenridge and then take a road south to Salida and then we might go over to Telluride where Nate is doing his thesis. Then, I found some articles about some Aztec Ruins in New Mexico near the Four Corners area. I would also like to go to Glen Powell Rec. Area, but I'm not sure if that will work. I do want to go through Flagstaff and check out some sites around there. Then, the skywalk bridge over the Grand Canyon is at Peach Springs, AZ which is conveniently on the way to Las Vegas...imagine that, it is like destiny or something. I definitely would like to get some feedback on places or things to check out that are along our route. I still plan on going to San Diego with or without Nate. He thinks he might want to practice for pool during the week that we would go. We'll see what happens. My dad also wants to see if I'm going to race with him over one of the weekends. I have no clue.... the summer is so short. I plan on flying back to Bozeman on the 30th, and then taking off for Minnesota that day, and being there by the weekend of June 1/2.

Waiting

I rescued my ipod from Nate sometime about a month ago. (It was sent to his house, and he was going to put some music on it for me.) Since then, I have been getting used to using it (sometimes I feel awkward walking with my headphones in, and I definitely don't use them when I ride my bike to school...it is dangerous enough without them). However, I have already found over 4 GB of music and podcasts to keep me occupied. I am coming to the sad realization that I'm going to have to delete some of my tunes/podcasts to make room for more, however, some, I would like to get around to listening to again. My most favorite podcast is a show called "Brain Food." The producer hasn't released any new ones since the end of January, so I've been catching up on all of the past episodes. He usually has a couple topics he describes indepth, and then he gives you some fast facts, and then gives some information regarding scientific new articles. I love these tidbits of information! There is one article that I think I'm going to write out, because it had a lot of good information about how to keep your body healthy.

Another fun one to exercise to is DJ Nando. I just found Podrunner today, and am going to test drive it tomorrow. I have also downloaded a couple spanish courses that I plan on getting around to......one of these days. I found Dwell and AIA for Nate to listen to. I titled this post "Waiting" because I'm waiting for some more podcasts to download on this slow (but free!) internet connection. Some of the other podcasts I've found include a lot of medically related ones. I've aslo found a very informational Photoshop tutorial that I can only watch on my computer becaus my ipod doesn't play videos.

One thing I keep wanting to post, but am forgetting.... who in the world decided to make the shower curtains in the gym just barely big enough to cover the door, but then they roll up on themselves, leaving you exposed anyways? Come on, if there was an extra inch on both sides, it would be enough to paste it down to the side of the shower wall.... just wondering here... I guess it is nice that the shower stalls are separated in the first place. Even though the sauna is like a communal orgy gathering place.

Finished downloading or not I have to leave.

Yeah, yeah, I know you are right...for once

I had a moment of enlightenment last week, but this week it is compounded by thoughts of disgust/contempt. If this post does anything constructive it will only be to prove my boyfriend right in an argument we had about each other's weaknesses.

Well, you were right, being overly quick to be defensive is not a trait I would like to possess. I had two instances where I found this is not who I want to be. The first was my own ruthless defensiveness that most likely upset a friend. I'm not entirely sure what brought this on, maybe contagious anxiety, but I found myself quick to snap. I felt like a major shit afterwards. Why do I do this? The other instance was with someone who for no reason, with nothing personal at stake, does this to me all the time I interact with them. It has made me dislike them in and for ways I can't completely comprehend. They don't even let me explain, and they are like **snap** on my case...EVEN WHEN I'M NOT TRYING TO ARGUE!! I guess I had no where else to go with this frustration, so it goes on here.

Nate, I hope I'm doing a better job at not being like this. To the person I was short with, I am sorry. To the person who is short with me. I might excuse you just because I know that you probably don't know you're like this...as I didn't know...er...failed to fully give in to it. It still doesn't mean that I'm going to ignore this horrible trait. (I know I made critical singular/plural grammar mistakes, but I thought it was necessary.)

Moment of enlightenment

Today I had a moment of enlightenment in every way I could ever imagine. I felt determined to be a different, better, health care provider. I don't care if what I do could ultimately be done faster (with more risk to the patient). What difference does it honestly make if I have to spend an extra two minutes to push a med that can cause irreverisible ototoxicity if given too fast? In the realm of health care, aren't I there to help others heal? I honestly care if the patient I am caring for gets better. He may have been a heavy drinker, life long smoker, bu he still is a person in need of better than 'adequate' care. He needs someone to pay attention to breaks in infection control. Yeah, it does suck if you have to spend the extra 15 seconds rewiping a clave because you accidently touched it and RT/PT is breathing down your neck to get the med in now, but that trust that pt has blindly given you means a lot. Granted they might not entirely trust you, but they must trust you enough if they aren't screaming at you to get out! I had to get this off my chest. I didn't want this feeling to go wasted and forgotten becuase of the more strenuous things I encounter.

Do you ever have this feeling?

You know when you have that one class, one person, one thing in your life that makes you upset and stupider for letting it be a stressor in your life, and you dont' really know how to cope with it? How do you deal? I think why I am letting this class get to me is because it is A. boring B. seeminly pointless and C. necessary for me to pass with a C. I have NEVER done so crappy on a test that I actually studied for, and I'm worried that our next test is going to be identical. I think the professor feels left out in the 'teaching realm' because her class is the only class that doesn't get a lab with it. (She's said that the first test is 'hard' because people don't consider it important to study for because there isn't a lab.) Okay, to me that screams resentment in which is going to be taken out on the students. I can't just let it go. I need to be proactive instead of dwelling, but I can't yoga it out of my stress out zone. Every little thing about this class gets under my skin, and I really don't want it to because I have to take classes from this lady in the future, and I just want to have as minimal stress as I can. (Living here alone, being financially strapped, and worrying about getting into graduate school are as many stressors as I can handle.)

I guess it also bothers me that I did so well on different seemingly important and difficult class exam, and I felt like there were no curve balls, therefore why should this measly class be so damn tricky? The point of testing isn't to be 'tricky' the point is to evaluate the information that was taught and learned. Two streets here... not just what was retained. Maybe I just need to look into deeper stress relieving strategies... I'm going to swim and sit in the sauna again tomorrow. That should help. Any more suggestions?